HAPPY NEW YEAR 2019

This is the obligatory new year post that I do every year. Not that I think of it as just a chore. In fact, I do think that it is a good time to look back and review how much I've progressed, and to plan ahead to what I look to achieve in the coming 364 days. As cliche as it sounds, "new year, new me" allows for constant change and something to look forward to. I think it is rather important. After all, so much has happened in the past year that brought me to where I am today. So, let's learn from the past and progress into the future! In order to write this post, I actually had to look back at last year's post to see what I wrote back then. It was so long ago... Looking back at it, somehow reading it makes me feel like I was so childish back then. Was I really like that? I guess that has some bearing on how much I've changed and developed in just 1 year alone. Everything seemed so disorganized back then. And they still are today, but I have a general sense of where I am heading. So without further ado, let's do a quick review of 2018 first.

I can see that I broke up my 2018 goals into 3 main categories, which makes it easier to review. In fact, I still think it is a good idea and I will probably come up with another 3 goals for this year. Okay, so first category from 2018 was Career. Well, in short all I can say that it was a complete flop. 3 out of 10, failure. Let's elaborate. On the job hunting side, I was eventually rejected by Rakuten Japan after the interview. But to be honest, they were looking for your standard slave worker programmer, of which I am not. I made it clear to them that I am more of a front-end developer, designer, and project manager. Just wasn't the right fit. I did apply again this year just for kicks, but not planning to take it too seriously. I updated my CV to clearly state my inclinations. I also started experimenting here and there with trading cryptocurrencies as a side profit making strategy. Things didn't do too well as the whole market basically tanked. Margin day-trading was also a disaster, as I went from breakeven to making big losses. I did learn a lot in the process, and I currently have 6 bots that are trading and maintaining my funds 24/7 so I guess that's kind of cool?

As for the ongoing trials and tribulations that I am facing... Honestly, it is STILL NOT OVER! I am slightly pissed at this point. To the extent that I don't care what the outcome is, I just want it to finish. It's been dragging on me since mid 2017, not allowing me to progress in my career and basically being stuck in limbo. But it's close, an I do expect to be done by Q2 of 2019. Fingers crossed for a good outcome. A major milestone for me, was when I graduated from my Master's course with a 4.6/5 GPA. Also managed to get a decent testimonial from prof and a certificate of excellence which I think was pretty awesome. But yeah, other than that, I am somehow progressing with my Japanese language. I cleared N3 in 2018 and I am now working towards my N2 if I get the chance. Because the mid year JLPT test might clash with my Q2 date of that other thing. I might have to push it to the Dec test. We'll see.  At first I wanted to give myself a 3 out of 10, but reading all of that again, I think I do deserve a 4 out of 10. I did what I could given the circumstances.

In terms of the second goal of Fitness, I will say that it is a mixed bag. Probably a 5 out of 10 at best. Not completely fail, but did not hit target as intended. Looking back, the goal was to slim down and cut down to 80kgs. I'll just honestly say that I did not hit that goal lah. In fact, I actually put on some weight and went from 88kgs to 90kgs. But let me elaborate. The thing is, I never actually ended up focusing on cutting, and ended up bulking instead. I have gained considerable strength and muscle mass in 2018, and I can now bench 200lbs which is officially heavier than myself. Being able to push more than your own body weight feels amazing man. But yeah, aside from the daily 16/8 intermittent fasting, which seems to have no more further fat burning effects at this point, I am a lot less active now that I have no school. Also stopped drinking the blended juice regularly, but in exchange I switched my daily lunch to a healthy ham and lettuce sandwich instead. All in all, let's just say that fitness had not been the forefront of my attention in the past year. And as a result, I wasn't able to seriously hit my targets, but managed to maintain more or less.

The third goal I had for 2018 was Maturity. In this aspect, I can strongly say that I have made much strides in this regard. Who knew the last one of my goals turned out to be the most impactful after all? Let me explain. As I spoke briefly about in my post on "Depression", I have been seeing a psychiatrist for treatment. But other than that, it's also about talking with close friends, and really just trying to understand myself and the people around me that I care about. It's hard to quantify or put into words, but I do feel like I am more aware now. I know myself a lot better, I know my strengths and weaknesses, I know what I need to work on, and I know where I am headed. That's more than enough for a good start. Probably an 8 out of 10 if I were to score it. But certainly, the journey is not over. There is plenty more ways in terms of maturity of thought that I can improve on. I capped off the year nicely by finally taking that Myers Briggs test, and truly learnt a lot about myself being an INTJ. Honestly, being currently held in this limbo and staying at home all the time is not helping. But as I said, this whole ordeal will likely be over by Q2 of this year. Once that is over, I can work towards my next stage, which as you guessed it, is Japan!

So that's my 2018 in a short review! Here's the summary. Basically, career wise there has not been too much progress due to the ongoing issues that I'm facing, but I did my best filling out the time with whatever learning and development I could. Fitness wise, I was expecting to kickstart the weight loss at the end of that long drawn ordeal, but it ain't over yet. So, I continue to put on strength to see how much muscle I can build and maintain. In terms of maturity, I made great strides by coming forward and facing my weaknesses. By doing things I normally would never had done in the past. And I continued to improve and learn more about myself and the people around me. So that's 2018 in review! I tried to keep this post shorter and save my so called new year resolutions for the new post, so stay tuned!

2018 had been a long rough year. let's progress further in 2019!

Depression

So what have I been up to lately?
I was asked that quite a number of times when I went to meet up with my NTU gang. Honestly, the reason I didn't answer was because I didn't know how to answer. So this is my long and roundabout way of trying to come up with an answer. The short TLDR answer is basically "nothing much". But of course, as with anything, there is a lot more to it than what it seems like on the surface.

Haven't blogged in many months, so I went to reread my previous post before posting this. I know it would seem that things were looking bright in my previous post. It seemed like I had really found the answer. That things had really started to click for me. And in some ways it did! I felt a lot stronger, and was able to power through that last semester of school. Hey, I even finished strong in the top 10% of the cohort. I think I did well, my situation and all things considered.

So then why the sudden return of depression and negativity? Somehow I feel like I was born to suffer in constant misery and pain. Things have not been going smoothly for me in a very very long time. I had an awesome childhood, I think. But nothing has even gone right from teenage years onwards. I guess it's the problem of being both a big dreamer AND a perfectionist at the same time. It's a bad combo. I will often dream up these lavish and extravagant futures and feel like I am incomplete and unable to reach such goals. People who have worked with me in recent projects will have experienced this firsthand. Yes I can be very demanding in terms of quality standards, but know that I am even more demanding and harsh towards myself.

And that's perhaps the source of my eternal depression and negativity. I always strive for perfection, and I constantly beat myself up over not being able to achieve it, rinse and repeat. Things are looking even more dire lately as I struggle towards the end of my long running "situation" that I got involved in. Not much I can share about the "situation" except that it's bad. Very bad. Something that for most people could potentially be career ending or life ending. For me though, it is uncertain. I mean, it's still gonna scar me fucking deep mentally and emotionally for life. But because I plan to leave the country anyway, it's not THAT bad even if I fuck up every possible opportunity and prospect that I will ever have in Singapore. I fucking hate this place already.

But it doesn't change the "situation". And the fact right now is that, I AM STUCK. I cannot do anything until this resolves completely, I can't get a permanent job, I can't make plans, I can't even see what my future will be like 3 to 6 months from now, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING! And that's why my answer to you all is that I am doing nothing much lately. Because I can do nothing much. The wiser of you that are able to read between the lines of my recent blog posts will already know what I've been involved in. So far I've only told 1 friend about it. But the fact of the matter is that it sucks man. Not being able to have the control and freedom to plan and work towards my goals sucks for someone like me. And that only serves to further aggravate my depression.

I have been seeking help lately. In the past couple of months, I have been seeing a psychiatrist for treatment regarding my issues. But honestly he can only do so much. There are multiple different sides within me that it is like some warring states going on in there. When I do talk to my psychiatrist, the logical and calm side can come out and portray some level of confidence. My I myself know that I am still in a mess. And the longer this "situation" drags on, the worse it is going to get. To the point that I just want to get it over and done with. Win or lose, good or bad outcome I almost don't care anymore. I JUST WANT IT TO END GODDAMMIT! Let me free already. Stop eating away at my life. I'm not growing any younger, and I have yet to achieve anything substantial. I am just a ball of nothing right now. Caught in limbo, floating in space. Lost.

Which is why I have returned to binge gaming. To escape from it all. To have a distraction. To not think so much about other things. To have something to kill my time. Recently, I have been playing a lot of Maplestory M. I'm on the Asia2 - Zenith server. Add me, lol. So yeah, that's my current status. Not doing much, can't do much. The only so called "work" I am doing is basically just tune my crypto trading bots from time to time. And perhaps also contemplating creating my own website. I've been dwelling on the idea for awhile now, but have been procrastinating and gaming too much to actually act on it. Sigh.

Anyway, I didn't mean to come here and complain about how pathetic my life is right now. But honestly speaking, depression is no joke man. And I encourage anyone who is facing it find someone to talk to. As someone who experiences it firsthand, I know that I definitely want people to talk to. It may not solve all the problems, but it certainly makes things a bit less painful. Sometimes, we just need someone to share the heavy burden that we carry, and it's nice to know that someone would care. Right now what I need more than anything, is someone who understands me.

oh yeah, and I've been watching loads of anime to kill time too...

Mindset Change

Hey guys! I'm back again!

I haven't been blogging for quite awhile now, and that can only be a good sign! When I turn to this blog too excessively, it's always a sign of my negative emotions and mental breakdown. So, the less I blog here the better! But today I just want to share what's been going on with me lately, seeing as my previous post was so dark and gloomy. So here's a positive one for a change!

Yes, you heard it right! I'm adopting a positive mental attitude for this one, what a shock.

Anyway, the main things that had happened to me since CNY was basically meeting up with my old secondary school friend, and then being forced to go back for ICT reservist training right in the middle of school term. Turns out, both of these events were super helpful in helping me turn my life around, and viewing everything in a different light. Let me explain how.

Firstly, I think I ought to explain briefly the problem or situation I was in. Basically, I was stuck in an emotional rut, where I no longer even believed in myself. I lost the will to live, to fight, and to continue chasing any life goals. It was like close to end of the road for me. When even you yourself give up on yourself, you are fucking screwed you know. But then, I met up with my old time friend, who doubles as my unofficial therapist in these sort of situations. He's doing great, and strongly and passionately believes in what he is doing. The direct opposite of how I felt back then. Well, the only similarity is that we are both single. Haha, that's besides the point.

So after having a long whole day chat with my old friend, spanning from lunch to dinner, Long story short is that I started feeling better. Not only does he inspire me with what he is doing and believes in doing, but he sort of opened my eyes to my own capabilities. Basically, I am really not doing so bad, in some sense, you could say I'm fucking awesome. How many people can do the things I can do? How many people can think and analyze on the level that I do? We are like minded in the sense that we overthink things, which also means that we have the capability for such deep thoughts. And it takes one to know one. I truly needed his help to stop me from thinking so much negative thoughts and spiralling into despair. Luckily he did manage to do it.

So that's one part of the problem solved: stop killing yourself. The next part was slightly more complicated. I needed to go from not killing myself, to actually believing I had what it took to fight again, to go and achieve what I want to do, to chase for my happiness again. Simple as it sounds, it was a monumental dilemma for me. I was really missing this part of the puzzle for the longest period of time, hence the name of this blog which came from Incomplete Perfection. Always that 1 ingredient short. In my mind, there was really only 2 possible solutions to this. First, is for me to become a super independent and confident alpha male and just fight regardless of everything. Second, is for someone important to come into my life to help fill the gaping hole. Someone who could believe in me and support me even when nobody did, even when I wanted to give up.

Something like what Rem does in episode 18 of Re:Zero that I watched recently.

this remixed music video just makes the scene even better.

And honestly, for the longest time I was so fixated on the second option that I didn't believe I had the ability to do the first option anymore. I gave up on myself, did nothing, and hoped and prayed for someone to come into my life, someone to be my moral support and put me back on track. But I now know that such an option is just wishful thinking. In fact, a lot of times, you kind of need to have shown or demonstrated your ability to do option one, before option two even becomes available. I suppose in a comical way, you can think of it like some unlockable game content. You cannot unlock stage 2 without first doing stage 1. Makes sense right?

About the reservist training, it's a pretty long story. Basically, it came to me when I was in a pretty negative state of mind, and I was super adamant on NOT going for it no matter what. I mean, I was just super pissed that it had to happen in the middle of my school term, even if the 2nd week was a recess week. So, I was prepared to try all means possible to get deferred. I went so far as to appeal to the MP of my GRC, and I was prepared to take MC multiple times or AWOL. But alas, they let me book in 1 day late, and gave me off for Wed lesson, so I really missed none of my lessons. To be honest, I was still slightly sour, so I decided to exercise my rights to endorse my medical condition. This is where things get slightly more complicated.

Day 1, I went to the medical officer and he gave me some minor statuses, which excused me from carrying heavy loads and stuff. Not enough to excuse me from the outfield training the next week. Day 2, after a night of thinking about it, I went on my own to "clarify" on my statuses, and came back with the "Excused Outfield" status. The MO even asked me to sign a form to get down PES. lol. But I REALLY want to clear the air here. As much as this situation seems like a "kheng" to escape training, I REALLY do have a medical condition. I mean, there is no bluffing, I went through all the respective MRI + XRAY + Blood tests already. And it is a FACT, that I experience back pains every morning. Could I still force it and go through the outfield training? Sure. But should I risk it? Probably not. I do believe that the pains happened after sleeping on the cold concrete floor during last year's training. Basically, I am growing old and probably have rheumatism is the short story. Still waiting for the follow up appointment on that.

But what's the big deal right? Just excuse training only mah. That's what I thought, but apparently other people think differently. I can't tell for sure, but if my ever so sensitive perception of people is right, I think everyone in the platoon hates me for it. From the commanders down to all the combat fit men. The resentment shown is apparent. Again, I let this get to me. For a couple of days, I was stressing out about this. Those who were once close friends and buddies, started growing more distant, colder. Even people who I have clearly helped in the past were not cutting me any slack. I guess, I missed the camaraderie and friendship that we shared. I just didn't expect them to cut me off so abruptly just because I skipped 1 outfield training, even thought it was the last outfield we will ever get. Eh come on lah, I really do have a medical condition what...

That situation sort of put me at a crossroad. Do I retreat? And retract back into the depths of despair, to doubt myself again and ask why I am such a horrible person? Or do I press forwards, fuck care all of them, and strike it out on my own? If you haven't been able to tell by this post thus far, I chose the latter option, which kind of coincides with option one that I listed above. Convenient right? But more importantly, I had an epiphany. I realized the missing piece to solve the dilemma I had been facing. It really wasn't just option 1 or option 2. It required a holistic approach to enable option 1 so that I can achieve option 2! Crazy mind-fuck right? Sorry to get all meta psychology on you. But it is true!

So the secret is this one word: image.

I want to further develop the idea, and elaborate on what I mean, but it is getting kind of late, and this blog post has gone waaaay out of proportion. Too long liao, I shall elaborate on this point in a separate post. The gist of it though, is that I need to build and maintain a solid image. One that inspires confidence, capability, and success. Only then can I have that reflect and have the self-confidence to go out and achieve everything that I want. It's way more nuanced than that, but really I cannot fit anymore into this post, I'm tired. So stay tuned! Look out for my next blog post, detailing the secrets I have discovered during this short period that turned my whole mindset around.

Until then, stay positive and live strong! :)

Happy CNY?

Hello everyone. Happy Chinese New Year. Hope you ar having a good one.

Personally, I don't know how to feel about my day today. Everything went by just so quickly. Wake up in the morning, then head down to my uncle's house. Do some quick Yu Sheng thingy, exchange a few words here and there, and by 5pm we left. Things are just getting so quiet lately. Not even the full extended family showed up. Such a stark contrast to about 10 years ago, when things were still very lively and happening.

I don't know why, perhaps it is a factor of age, and we are all just victims of time. Gradually the older generations fade away, and the young ones are not there to replace them. For my family at least. For a long time, I had 3 grandparents. Then paternal grandma passed away. Next was maternal grandma, after which we no longer visited my mother's side. Then my paternal grandpa, leaving behind just a bachelor uncles. Only my dad and his sisters are married. Then finally this year, one of my uncles passed. The family tree is literally fading before my eyes.

Perhaps I feel extra pressure being the only grandson carrying the family name? But I am kind of numb by now. It's a burden I have lived with for years now. And the way things look, it is likely that I would follow my uncles' fates rather than my father's. Unfortunately. But that's not even the thing. I am just rather upset that some of our family don't even bother to show up anymore. Call me old fashion, but I really miss the old days, when we had big gatherings, and stayed till really late at night. I used to think those were a waste of time, but oh how I miss them so now. It's like the life has been sucked out of the family. 

You know, I hesitated about making this post. After all, it's supposed to be a HAPPY new year right? But for me it isn't. It really isn't! I'm near to tears on the inside. I know I have been posting more and more emo posts in the recent weeks, I just can't help it. I'm beginning to be convinced that I really have a mental illness. I am seriously starting to consider looking for a psychiatrist for help. I think a part of me is broken, and it needs some deeper level of fixing that I am not capable of finding on my own. I just don't have the time right now. So maybe after graduation or something.

Yeah, that's all for today. Happy CNY!

All About Aesthetics

So I guess tomorrow is the day huh? Most depressing day in February. But I should be used to it by now. Anyway, I really wanted to talk about another topic that's been on my mind lately. That is the fact of how much I am of a bimbo on the inside! Haha! To me it's all about the aesthetics. Everything must look nice and pleasing on the eye. Doesn't have to be perfect, doesn't even need to function well, as long as it looks good and fits in well with everything. I'm not just talking about products, but also people, fashion, websites, apps, furniture, stationary, and really anything under the sun. If it looks good to me, I like it. Sounds shallow, I know, but let me justify.

Hmm... How do I describe it? I've been saying it for a super long time now. Good design aesthetics IS a feature. It's not so much form over function, but form IS a type of function. You see, good design aesthetics inspires confidence. It grants one a sense of comfort, satisfaction, and pleasure of using or interacting with something. The better something looks, the more intrinsically attractive it becomes. Nevermind if it doesn't function perfectly, as long as it does the basics, I will choose it over the uglier looking alternative any day. Perfect example are the high end stuff, like sports cars and branded luxury bags right? If asked to choose between a good practical SUV and a Lambo, with unlimited money I would pick the Aventador every time.

The reason why I want touch on the aspect of aesthetics, is that I kind of want to share my gym workout strategy here. What do you think the most aesthetic body parts are? For men, I would have to say it is Chest, Deltoids, Arms, and Lats. Many so-called surveys have been done, and the so-called V-taper body shape seems to come out top all the time. As such, this is always the focus of my workouts, to maximize ROI of my time spent. But so far, I think I have been over training my chest and not as much effort into the other 3. It's hard to squeeze everything into 1 workout like I do. But I really do not have time to train 1 body part per day. I only have the time to go gym 1 or 2 times a week max. No time for even my interval training. I want to caution here also, that you NEVER want to do any form of cardio before weights, as it hinders your gains. Research backed, trust me.

So what about women? Well, here is where it gets slightly controversial. I do not self-proclaim to be a connoisseur, but I do have strong opinions and tastes in the aesthetics of the female body. Hopefully that doesn't sound too creepy, haha. Anyway, I think most gym enthusiasts would focus on the lower body of ladies, and put Gluts right up there as the number 1 focus. While I don't completely disagree, I think it is more nuanced than that. There are a lot of other body parts we can focus on. For starters, I actually think it is quite similar to males. If I were to recommend, I will say focus on Deltoids, Lats, Chest, and do Gluts as an accessory workout. Here's why. Many would agree, that the so-called hourglass figure is the holy grail of the female body. And if you really take notice, a lot of women have the problem of the pear-shaped body. So how do we fix this? It's obvious right? We work on the upper body! Why has nobody thought of that?

The reason why I thought about this, was that surprisingly my sister joined me for 2 or 3 gym sessions during the december holidays. Very rare of her. But naturally, she gave up again after that. And she is still really obese. Well, I tried to help. So back to the topic, I think women really want to focus on their lateral Deltoids, to make the illusion of slightly wider shoulders to balance out with their hips. But I'd say avoid training other parts of your arms too much, coz guys don't find that too attractive. Then to add on to that, you want to train your Lats (back) as well, to add more meat to the upper part of your frame and get some width. again this will balance your lower body, hence creating the hourglass. And of course, Chest and Gluts for obvious reasons. What I will say though, is that in my opinion, ladies should try best to stay away from training legs. While you THINK that it so-called tones your legs, I think that it just makes your thighs look thicker. Which is not aesthetic in my opinion. Oh yeah, and fuck cardio. That shit is no good for you and burns fats in all the wrong places. Do some HIIT interval training if you must, but the weights training should be more than intensive enough.

What you want it some unnatural looking or drastic looking proportions, to set you out from the other regular people. That's kind of the reason why some people use steroids, but that's another matter. If possible, you want slim looking legs but well formed Gluts. Sounds contradictory, but I honestly think it's possible with some of the more advanced gym machines today. Find those exercises that only focus on isolation of a particular muscle group, and just keep on using that. I'd recommend to refrain from doing too many squats or other leg related exercises if you want to avoid the pear syndrome. Additionally, you can throw in a little bit of corset training, but don't go overboard with it. I won't talk too much about that here, coz it falls closely into the realm of crazy territory, which will likely be covered in my other blog someday. But honestly, it's not a bad option. I have been seriously considering getting a waist trainer as well. Because I somehow just can't seem to slim down my waist area. It's tough.

Oh yes, I almost forgot 1 more thing related to aesthetics. For women it is slightly more troublesome because they have 1 more aspect to worry about, that is makeup. While it IS possible to go without makeup, I think that you wouldn't go very far in terms of aesthetics. However, I have really very little knowledge in this area, so I can't give much advice other than try to follow some China, Japan or Korea tutorials. They are seriously damn good at the craft. One thing I will say though, is that if you want to ignore it all and just focus on ONE thing, then focus on lashes. It is THE most important aspect I feel. Be it your mascara or false lashes or what not, it seems simple enough to apply and gives the maximum ROI. That and lipstick or lip gloss seems the easiest and least time consuming to do. The rest is really just simple grooming like haircut and brow trimming. But honestly, I think hairstyle for ladies is a whole lot easier to maintain than men. You won't believe how much effort it takes to style my fucking stubborn hair.

But yeah, so that's all I wanted to write about. The surprising thing, is that I THINK I might have inspired some of my classmates to go to the gym more often. Perhaps it was just my fanatic discipline that inspired them, or maybe not. But we all go to different gyms. I just wish that one day we could all get 1 workout done together, same gym at the same time. It should be fun. Just wishful thinking though. Anyway, I wish them all the best in their fitness efforts.

Been turning to Honoka for my daily dose of kawaii motivation. :P

I am Lost

Oh no, I am blogging more frequently. That cannot be a good sign for my mental health. Usually when I blog a lot means there are loads of crappy thoughts stuck up in my head. Stuff that I need somewhere to unload. After all, it's been quite some time since I've actually blogged regularly. The last time, I was also go through some state of depression and denial.

But yeah, past day or 2 I've been feeling really lost. Firstly, I was rejected by the company that I was aiming so hard for. Then, yesterday's fiasco with the assignment submission. Things are not going well. Yesterday was the first time that I submitted a school assignment late, ever. Tried to upload at 2359, but turns out you need to upload BEFORE 2359, i.e. 2358. Who knew. But that's not the main reason why we were late.

Sure, it would be easy to blame the teammate who keeps on travelling on holidays. But there's no way I can bring myself to blame her right? Truth be told, I gotta take some of the blame as well, as the so-called unofficial leader. I've never been super good at taking the leader role, and I think it clearly shows. Truth be told, it's got more to do with my more unstable mental state lately. Rejection is never something easy to deal with, be it job interview or relationships. If you scroll to some of my super old posts, you will see. I've struggled. A lot.

It's a super huge blow on many levels. Particularly, it's a straight blow to the ego. You suddenly start to keep questioning and doubting yourself. Was I not good enough? Did I not do the right things? What the hell is wrong with me? And then when even you no longer believe in yourself, you no longer have the confidence to do things well. Dammit, and I thought I had things super crystal clear after last year. Feels like everything is back to the drawing board for me.

Perhaps it's just a February thing. Despite it being my birthday month, and chinese new year month together, it's never been a super happy month for me. Perhaps it's because my birthday is so close to the 14th. But yeah, I usually then to shut myself off for most of Feb, better to numb yourself and feel no pain. Computer games are a very good outlet for that. A lot of CNY events going on for each game. Can just burn time away...

It's not that I don't enjoy the company of others, to be clear. Quite the opposite in fact. I yearn so much for the company of others. Not quite the massive group party kind, since I'm not social enough for such capabilities. But rather, I like to sit down with a small group of 1-3 people to have long and deep conversations together. The only problem is that I have very few close friends, and I'm not great at initiating meet ups and stuff. And.... I think I should stop myself here. Best not to go down too deep into the rabbit hole. I only meant to vent off some emotions.

In other more interesting news, the crypto markets are back on the up trend today. It's super unfortunate that I wasn't able to capitalize on yesterday's crash more. I was monitoring only from time-to-time because my head was literally stuck in report writing. I mean, I'm glad that I managed to pick up some Ethereum at super good prices, but I didn't pick up any more Bitcoin. Then again, I entered at the 10k and 9k ranges, so I think I'm fine in that regard. Just waiting for fucking Coinbase to approve my account, so that I can shift most of my portfolio into ETH. Because Ethereum is where it's at. You heard it here first, trust me. ETH is gonna explode this year, the moment they shift to proof-of-stake. I forecast ETH overtaking BTC in 2018. I'm calling it here.

Other than that, nothing much today lor. Just back to playing my MapleStory. If anyone is keen, can hit me up, we play together. If not, then I'll play it solo either way. Well okay, have a happy February everyone. Hopefully it's not as depressing for you as it is for me.

Plans Dashed?

Well, today I am faced with a perplexing situation... My dreams were sort of crushed.

Here's the story. I finally went down for the face-to-face Rakuten interview today. I was so confident and all with my abilities, but turns out there was a mismatch of requirements. With me more on the innovative and front-end UX development side, not matching what they want. Turns out, they want your typical Indian sweatshop technical programmer. The super ultra technical type. My friend also went for the interview in the morning, same thing. But at least she managed to get to the 2nd round. For me, I was shown out the door shortly after the first round...

So..... I guess that puts me in a spot. Everything I was working for was supposed to lead up to this point. It was supposed to be a perfect fairy tale ending, with me happily travelling to Japan to work. But... as you can tell by now, that dream seems to have been dashed. What to do now ah? I honestly didn't have a Plan B for myself. So I really don't know what to do, I am stuck. So stuck and lost that I don't even feel like working on my research proposal now. Sian.

Not to say that there aren't other opportunities lah. But I really didn't expect things to turn out this way. It means that I have to plan everything again from ground zero? That's like kicking me back all the way back to the beginning of 2017 leh! All the progress has been lost. How ah? What other career options should I consider? Should I stay put in SG? Or continue to search for other Japanese company openings? Hmm...

Another consideration is to enter into the education sector. I have always been on the cusp and sitting at the edge of it. I mean, my undergrad FYP was on educational technologies, my work was on military training and education, and here I am back again working on a e-learning Masters research. Perhaps it had been inevitable for me to follow in my father's footsteps and become a lecturer. But do I really want to do that? I cannot come up with a definite answer yet.

THAT'S WHY I AM CURRENTLY PUT IN A SPOT!

OMFG what should I do man... Sometimes I wished I had someone to talk to, but most of my best friends are hard to reach and meet up with. I guess I'm left to ponder and mull over this by myself for the coming weeks. I mean, I WILL still attend the school career fair on Tue. But it is almost guaranteed that nothing will appeal to me. I believe that none of the companies there are hiring for Japan positions. Heck, they may all be super technical or engineering positions.

SAD! AIYA! I DUNNO LAH! TIME TO GO SLEEP!

The Transition: 2017 - 2018

Happy New Year!

Hi everyone. Before beginning the post, just want to take the chance to wish you a happy new year, and welcome to 2018. Now, I did say that I was gonna put up a 2017 summary and review post, but didn't quite get around to doing it. Partly due to the fact that I was busy gaming, oops. Since it's New Year's day, I thought why not take the chance to combine both into a mega long post. My usual way to do it right? So I shall! Here is my review of 2017, and also some resolutions and outlook on the future horizon that is year 2018.

Let's start with the easy stuff. 2017 in review. You know, I actually had so few posts last year, that my 2017 resolution post was still on the first page of this blog as of writing. May have slipped into the second page after this, but wow have I been inactive. Actually quite the contrary. The times when I was super active on this blog, was when I was super inactive and everyday camping at home in my man-cave. Ah yes, those were the days of super-introvert mode. Not to say that I am super extroverted now, but I have taken active steps to try and improve my interaction skills, and I think it shows. I've made quite a number of friends in 2017, and learned to open up a bit and start talking to people. If you knew me at all before, you will know how hard it is for me to do that. Good change.

So looking back at the 2017 resolution post, I segregated it into 3 distinct categories: Skills, Health, and Education. Let's just review them one by one to see how I've done shall we? In terms of Skills, I feel like I have somewhat achieved what I wanted, partially. I had successfully thought myself how to develop apps using the latest version of the Ionic Framework, and through my school project published my first ever app onto Google Play. Sad to say, the freelance projects all did not pan out as planned, and I wasn't able to turn a profit from my skills yet. So I'd rate Skills as probably a solid B+ to A-. In terms of Health, I would say this area didn't do to well. As with everybody's new year resolution of "get in shape", this category usually fails the hardest. At the start of 2017, I mentioned that I was 10kgs away from my ideal weight? Well, throughout the year I actually lost 5 out of 10 of that. But you know what? After all the projects + exams + holiday binge eating, I have put back on another 2-3 kgs of that. FML. This calls for some drastic measures, more on that below. Health for me gets a fairly weak B-.

Last category, Education! You know, it's funny to write about this like 12 hours before the release of my exam results. I mean who knows how badly I did right? But I'll try not to look at it from that perspective. After all, results aren't everything. The initial point of this resolution, was to once again sharpen my intellect and thinking skills, by putting myself through the Masters programme. To that end, I'd say I did superbly well, grades notwithstanding. I mean, I successfully tanked majority portions of essay writing projects, did a fair bit of research, studied like crazy for exams, and most of all design, developed and publish my own mobile app. That coupled with all the interactions and connections I built with my fellow classmates throughout the semester, makes me feel like I have accomplished almost everything I set out to achieve in this category. I am no longer the sluggish blur government service employee that once was. I am now almost as sharp as in the past, and well ready to take on complex tasks and projects. A boon for my goal of working in Japan. Overall, I must give myself a solid A for this. Would have been an A+, but I think I screwed up 1 of my exams as the only blemish to this otherwise awesome semester. We shall see in the results tomorrow. Haha.

But goals aside, I also want to talk about the softer stuff. The more personal stuff, and what had been going on in my life in 2017. I am after all, not just a goal oriented machine. To which, I will sum up the year with one word: tragedy. But not irrecoverable tragedy, just a series of really really sad misfortunes. As mentioned in a post some time back, my mom was recovering from a stroke for the most part of 2017, which is painful not just for her but for the family as well. Her mental state is not the best, and she gets frustrated and has a short fuse. It could have been such stresses that caused her stroke in the first place, but it certainly isn't getting any better. For the most part, I've chosen to ignore most of it so that I can focus on my studies, but my sister bears the full brunt of it, so much so that she's never at home anymore. Tragic. Then there is that situation where I did something super ultra stupid and basically fucked myself over. I won't say what, but suffice to say I screwed myself bad. The effects of which I am still trying to deal with and resolve to this day. I sincerely hope and pray to god I can resolve it by the half or 3/4 of 2018, so that I can start work by end 2018 or early 2019. Please lah, torlong ah. Worse tragedy ever.

Where does that leave me now? Well, I stand at the doorstep of 2018 with 2 big bags, one in each hand. On one hand, I carry with me a baggage all the pain, suffering and tragedy from 2017 that am not able to simply discard. But on the other hand, I hold with me all the promises, opportunities, excitement, and happiness that the future promises. How do I balance the 2 and maximise my situation? That's the thing. Balance is the key. With the 2 sides of me, I always try to strive for balance. Unlike some people who only sulk, or others who are always rainbows and sunshines and butterflies, I don't believe you can be just one or the other. In fact, I think it is foolish to do so. Sure, I may seem ultra pessimistic at times, which I usually post here. But there are other times, where I am fairly bullish and just jump on something new. I just don't post so much about those, because the results are usually uncertain. But I digress. The point I want to put across is balance. Don't be so egoistical and self-righteous and think that you can always discard the bad and only see the good. But also, nothing is only all bad without a hint of opportunity in it. Yin and Yang. Holy shit, am I turning into some zen master? Anyways, let's move on.

Therefore, with the experience of 2017 and now being 1 year wiser, I would like to take a look at 2018 with a fresh, but informed perspective. What works? Clearly for me, the 3 categories provided a very viable approach to deciding on new year's resolution and the direction for the entire year. Perhaps it's just me, but I am obsessed with the numbers 3 and 5 for all things information. I think they are just magic numbers that tend to stick with people. Anything else looks odd, or becomes too much to handle. Just my nonscientific no backing logic. But evidently, it seems to work with me, so let's stick with that!



Career
Okay this is an obvious one. I can't remain jobless forever right? I mean I do still have a fair chunk of savings left, but staying at home and living with parents forever was never part of the plan. Even if I do remain single, unfortunately. On the bright side, I have applied to Rakuten Japan, and successfully cleared their programming test. So, if all goes well I should be expecting to attend their interview soon. It almost feels strange, but I'll once again be fighting in the job market like I did all those years ago. Except now, I am wizened by the weathering of all these years of experience. I expect that it should go well.

As for what the actual resolution is, basically just to clear all the interviews and tests to get myself the job of my dreams. Oh and hope to settle that 1 big tye chee that could break the dream and prevent me from going. But totally out of my hands, fingers crossed for now. Aside from that, I will continue to brush up on my Japanese language skills by actually doing revisions before going for class, so that I don't look like an idiot. Already attending N2 level class, yet I still can't speak or understand shit. Gotta buck up and improve my nihongo!



Fitness
The same goal stands as per last year. Try to hit my goal weight of 80kgs. Yes, I know I am revealing my weight. But just shows how dedicated I am to achieving it! I was halfway there in 2017. Which means that I can definitely go all the way there in 2018! Must keep the motivation strong and stick to my guns. I know it can be done, as long as I am willing to put in the work, put up with the sacrifices, and stick with the programme.

I kept mentioning that I want to go for interval runs, but have not done so. At this point, I feel like that's the last ace up the sleeve. If I actually do it, I WILL definitely see results. That plus my healthy blended juice that I've been doing lately, and my recent attempt at a 24h fasting window. If I persist with my efforts, I just know I will see the results. So, here's to a slimmer fitter me in 2018!



Maturity
The first 2 categories above come out as super obvious things. So I had to think a little harder and longer, to put together this category. It's not immediately obvious or concrete what I need to do, but it is certainly clear that I must work on this aspect. In the past, I actually prided myself as being slightly more on the childish side, and loathed people who tried to act all mature grown up. In my mind, these people are just kidding themselves, with the facade of ego, confidence and self-righteousness. Is it really necessary to act all so mature? I felt that you end up having less fun, fool yourself, and ultimately have less creative ideas and imagination than someone who is a bit more childish, like myself.

But looking at this concept again now brings new found wisdom. It is again about balance. I don't always have to play as a mature stoic adult. Nor should I always behave like a kid. I can partition and balance the responsibilities of an adult, with the creativity and imagination of a child. Which I have been unknowingly doing for some time now over the past year. This brings me to the resolution of wanting to focus on this aspect in 2018. To be mature and independent, and take care of things in a more responsible way. To be able to be more decisive, active, and aware. To take care of not just myself, but others as well. To get problems settled.

Whether it is the major problem that I keep bringing up. Or if situation permits, whether it is looking after myself and embarking on a new journey to live and work in Japan. Or simply just to develop a frame of mind that allows me to get things done. I have seen a glimpse of it in the latter half of 2017. And I must say that my classmates and friends were key drivers that helped me realize and work on it. While I do not have concrete targets to hit on this, I certainly do want to actively focus upon it in 2018! This will be the year we finally see a truly mature me. Not someone pretending to be mature, but someone who knows truly how to balance all aspects of life.



Well that's it I guess. My short and simple impetuses for 2018. I've tried to keep it as focused as I can, while also covering as much of the areas I want to work on as possible. The last one may seem like something of a cop-out category, but honestly I think it is not so simple. It is something that needs to be worked on with intention. The ultimate goal remains the same as last year though. To work my way towards a life of working and living in Japan.

So there you have it! My 2018 resolutions clearly spelt out. We can check back again in a year to see how I faired. In the meantime, what are your resolutions? Let me know! I'd be keen on hearing them!

Till next time, happy 2018!

December Break

The previous blog post was like 2 months ago? Well, here I am again. Not too bad considering my track record over the past year or 2. Just only managed to slow down a bit to catch my breadth and do some mini reflections and planning. The past 1 month had been pretty hectic for me, with mountains of school assignments piling up, then straight into the exam season. Haven't taken a real exam in like about 4 years. JLPT doesn't really count.

Perhaps I could have taken things a lot more chill, and cruise through all of them with a passing grade. But it all boils down to expectations and mindset. I originally had sort of a mini-goal to try to aim for valedictorian of my course, seeing as I had sort of a competitive advantage given my background. But a couple of assignments and exams later, I feel like it is simply not worth it. It doesn't really add any value or progress to any of my life goals. It just came about from my 'Kiasu' never wanna lose to anyone mentality. Not worth it, just let it go.

School stuff aside, I have also been actively attending the regular anime and cosplay events that pop up from time to time. Just me doing my usual casual photography thing. 3 years in, and I'm still pretty much unknown and under the radar. But a good recent development is me befriending this eccentric photog that has decent connections with some of the people in the scene. Leaching and channeling on his enthusiasm, I have so far managed to do 2 casual model shoots thus far. Good chance for me to brush up my photography skills and also perhaps slowly break out of my shy boy shell. Also really makes my want to upgrade to a real full-frame camera, but I'm tight on cash at the moment. :(

Speaking of cash, I have also been spending many hours a day over the past week delving and researching deeply into cryptocurrencies. Initially, I was a total skeptic and was 100% sure that it is just paper money that will eventually burst and kill off everyone. But digging deeper, and understanding the concepts, and nuances between the different cryptos, I can see potential in SOME of them, but I'd remain cautious of buying any random one without first understanding it. I have not put any money in yet, but I'm almost totally convinced by the concept behind Ethereum as a platform. More so that Bitcoin even.

That brings me to the main point of this post (4 intro paras deep as usual), that is to do some planning for my December holidays. Excluding this week, which I have wasted, I have about 4 weeks in total to make use of (I just now counted only). Given that I am not able to travel anywhere, I have quite a bit of time on my hands at the moment. Initially, I was thinking of just doing intensive exercise, diet, and maybe reinstalling the games which I had quit, but now that I am free from games I don't really have the urge to rejoin again. Also, there are no more events for the year. I'm heading to the HJFW tomorrow, but after that one, there really is nothing much left in SG.

So, that makes me want to look deeper into investing into the whole cryptocurrency thing. I could treat this like my grown up version of gaming, and pump in a little money to play around with. Just a little to have some fun, but not enough to get hurt if all is lost. After all, it seems like the most volatile and therefore best place to make big margins. Perhaps, I can even use this to fund my camera upgrade plan, who knows. Only problem is, it is very hard to enter right now. I mean that literally. Not only are the prices quite high, but also most of the exchanges are literally overloaded with users so much so that registering is so damn hard right now. Trust me, I tried. If anything, I'd suggest you register for an account now, whether or not you decide to go in now. Because if the time is ripe, you want to be able to trade right away, and not wait 3-4 working days for the bloody verifications.

Aside from that, I WAS supposed to have a freelance mobile app project to work on, but it seems like that plan got canned. Was in talks with the people to develop some mobile commerce app for their company, but the CTO suddenly send 1 message to say that there was a "direction change". Like sure bruh, don't want just say don't want. Don't put me on hold here. Either way, I am ok with that. For me it falls into the category of "have or don't have also ok", as with most things I'm quite chill one. Nowadays at least. But I won't lie, it would have been nice to do it and fund my new camera straight from there. Too bad though. The cosplayer profile app that I was working on also client MIA. Sigh... All like that one.

Japanese revisions are another area that I want to focus on. I mean holy shit I have become so bad. With the rush of assignments in the past month or 2, I had neglected my Japanese entirely, even skipping 2 weeks worth of lessons in a row. So much sacrifice. I went back to class a complete noob who can't even read properly anymore. I think it's safe to say that I have slowly slid into the "worst student in class" ranking. Damn, I used to be the best during the Elementary and Intermediate days. Sigh. Well, at least now I got some time to brush up and revise on it in the next 4 weeks. I have signed up for a new term of 18 weeks, and am fully committed to this as a life goal. As a result I shall even keep my school schedule free on Thursday nights. Time to go full tryhard mode.

The fitness side of things are a little weird. I went from 100% commitment, to compromising every other day because of my project and exam schedules. Need food for morale to do really hard work I guess. So, it feels a bit hard to get back on the bandwagon again. I am back on my fasting plan everyday, and have since restarted my gym on Monday, after 2 weeks of inactivity lol. Initially, intended to go gym again today, but I really needed the time to slow down and recollect my thoughts for this, as well as to finish processing some of the AFA photos. My chest muscles are actually still aching from Monday's hardcore session, so I thought I'd take a break. Hehe. But back to a serious note, the plan now is: Mon gym, Wed interval runs around my neighbourhood, Fri gym again. That plus some supplements and fasting should be enough to kick off my cutting season.

Oh yes, I should probably also update on my health condition. It hasn't even been on my mind lately, but the MRI and blood test reports are back. The young chap doctor at TTSH is practically useless and asked me to Google the condition for myself. But basically what he told me is that it is some Rheumatoid problem, that is also a autoimmune disease? Basically my body is creating some inflammation at the base of my spine/pelvis area, which is what caused my back pains. Sounds severe, but recently I don't feel the pain so much anymore leh. Is it really that bad? I just hope that there isn't any long term implications on my health. Either way, he did refer me to a different specialist for further study. More blood tests incoming. Urgh.

In the meantime, I still have a bunch of photographs to work on from EOY that happened the past weekend. And I will only have more backlog after the HJFW tomorrow. But I don't want this holiday to be all work and no fun too. If possible I will be arranging for meetups and gatherings with old friends to catchup and just talk. So do feel free to jio me out anytime. Additionally, if I get the chance again, I would like to do more photo shoots because I find them fun. So yeah, that's my quick reflection for now. Just some random things happening to me recently that I wanted to talk about and plan out. I SHOULD be doing another blog post before the new year to summarize my 2017 year as a whole. Keyword being should, but most likely I will have the time lah. So until new post, happy holidays, and see you around!

Reflections

Hello again. I honestly don't know what to blog about today. It's just been so long that I'm totally out of the habit already. Having been at the computer for the past 12hrs doesn't really help either. I am super tired after days of photo processing. But! Having recently discovered that a fellow classmate of mine also blogs, has inspired me to write something again.

Why blog? Many people have different reasons. The most consistent bloggers probably have financial motives. Myself? I mostly blog as a form of reflection. As a place for me to think, ponder, and consolidate my thoughts. It would be a lot easier if I had someone I could talk to for all these, but I don't. And honestly, I don't feel like seeing a counsellor. So this place used to be what kept me sane.

Doesn't work though. I haven't been blogging enough in the past year, and look what happened. My life went down the drain, I continue to do stupid things, and no matter how hard I try to pull shit together, I'm still as depressed as always. There just isn't any motivation anymore for me to use this platform. Previously, I would know that I had at least a handful of readers. When I was writing, I always had them in mind as an imaginary audience. But the harsh reality is, nobody gives a shit.

Nevertheless, let's give this another shot shall we? See if I can keep something going. At least before my impending doom comes and life gets really bad. (I'm serious you have no idea) I think I should give myself a fair fighting chance. Set some goals, take some action and see how it goes.

A bunch of useless intro paragraphs later, here's what I shall reflect about today. Basically as some might have heard, I have recently started studying for my masters degree full-time. So yeah, technically I am a student again, and it gives me excuse to temporarily not be in the sickening working world. I have the same freedoms, the same assignment deadlines, and lessons to attend. Albeit with a slightly different demographic as my classmates.

So how has it been? Well it started out quite refreshing really. The intellectual challenges, the social interaction challenges, the time management challenges. I loved all of it. But then as I understand people more,  learn of their true motives and agendas, their methods of going about things, the rosy perfect complexion on things changed too. Are there such things as true friends? Or is it just an arrangement of convenience? I don't want to judge, but I no longer want to put any faith into it either. End of the day the same remains, you gotta look out for yourself.

I don't know who you are reading this blog. But if you're new reading this, then I'm pretty sure you've realized by now. I'm a really emo kid that's fighting a severe case of depression on the inside. On the outside though, I'm still the usual friendly easy going guy. I'm just really good at hiding my true emotions. You could say I've been doing it for so many years that it's just second nature already.

On the bright side, if there is any, Rakuten is hiring again! I applied to their career fair on Friday. Hopefully it ends in time for me to attend class. My group is presenting. Either way, I will prioritize this as it falls in the realm of life goals. Just to recap the New Year Resolutions I posted in the early 2017 post, my ultimate goal is to live and work in Japan! Other side goals for the year includes fitness, education, and brushing up on my relevant skills.

If I look at my mid year (slightly overdue) report card, fitness wise I have lost 5 out of the 10kgs set out to lose. The remaining 5kgs is proving very tough though! I might have to go on a juice diet and 24h fasting in the year end holidays. Sad. Regarding education and skills, I am rather disappointed that despite taking the more technical modules, I STILL do not get to revise my programming much. The mobile apps lecturer is literally useless, we gotta learn everything ourselves. I do however, get to brush up a lot on my research and essay writing skills having tanked practically the whole HCI paper by myself. Presentations wise, I still suck but mostly due to no rehearsals. My side development business wise is a complete stalled show. My only fucking client is so slow at responding and full of delays! I mean, I agreed to do first client free, but show some respect lah! To make matters worse, my sales partner doesn't have the connections or ability to take initiative and go engage more clients. Sigh.

All in all, I would say that my year is going FINE, for now. It just appears to me like progress is stalling, and the stress from all these assignments might have warped my thinking a bit. Also there is that Impending Doom I keep talking about that is at the back of my mind. I won't reveal what it is here, but suffice to say it's something super BAD that had happened to me in my sheer stupidity. Perhaps you can guess it, perhaps you can't, but either way that will be another major depression bomb to hit when it arrives. In the meantime, I'm mostly coasting for now. Albeit drowning in assignments. Haha.

So... Things are going OK? I guess?