Reflections

Hello again. I honestly don't know what to blog about today. It's just been so long that I'm totally out of the habit already. Having been at the computer for the past 12hrs doesn't really help either. I am super tired after days of photo processing. But! Having recently discovered that a fellow classmate of mine also blogs, has inspired me to write something again.

Why blog? Many people have different reasons. The most consistent bloggers probably have financial motives. Myself? I mostly blog as a form of reflection. As a place for me to think, ponder, and consolidate my thoughts. It would be a lot easier if I had someone I could talk to for all these, but I don't. And honestly, I don't feel like seeing a counsellor. So this place used to be what kept me sane.

Doesn't work though. I haven't been blogging enough in the past year, and look what happened. My life went down the drain, I continue to do stupid things, and no matter how hard I try to pull shit together, I'm still as depressed as always. There just isn't any motivation anymore for me to use this platform. Previously, I would know that I had at least a handful of readers. When I was writing, I always had them in mind as an imaginary audience. But the harsh reality is, nobody gives a shit.

Nevertheless, let's give this another shot shall we? See if I can keep something going. At least before my impending doom comes and life gets really bad. (I'm serious you have no idea) I think I should give myself a fair fighting chance. Set some goals, take some action and see how it goes.

A bunch of useless intro paragraphs later, here's what I shall reflect about today. Basically as some might have heard, I have recently started studying for my masters degree full-time. So yeah, technically I am a student again, and it gives me excuse to temporarily not be in the sickening working world. I have the same freedoms, the same assignment deadlines, and lessons to attend. Albeit with a slightly different demographic as my classmates.

So how has it been? Well it started out quite refreshing really. The intellectual challenges, the social interaction challenges, the time management challenges. I loved all of it. But then as I understand people more,  learn of their true motives and agendas, their methods of going about things, the rosy perfect complexion on things changed too. Are there such things as true friends? Or is it just an arrangement of convenience? I don't want to judge, but I no longer want to put any faith into it either. End of the day the same remains, you gotta look out for yourself.

I don't know who you are reading this blog. But if you're new reading this, then I'm pretty sure you've realized by now. I'm a really emo kid that's fighting a severe case of depression on the inside. On the outside though, I'm still the usual friendly easy going guy. I'm just really good at hiding my true emotions. You could say I've been doing it for so many years that it's just second nature already.

On the bright side, if there is any, Rakuten is hiring again! I applied to their career fair on Friday. Hopefully it ends in time for me to attend class. My group is presenting. Either way, I will prioritize this as it falls in the realm of life goals. Just to recap the New Year Resolutions I posted in the early 2017 post, my ultimate goal is to live and work in Japan! Other side goals for the year includes fitness, education, and brushing up on my relevant skills.

If I look at my mid year (slightly overdue) report card, fitness wise I have lost 5 out of the 10kgs set out to lose. The remaining 5kgs is proving very tough though! I might have to go on a juice diet and 24h fasting in the year end holidays. Sad. Regarding education and skills, I am rather disappointed that despite taking the more technical modules, I STILL do not get to revise my programming much. The mobile apps lecturer is literally useless, we gotta learn everything ourselves. I do however, get to brush up a lot on my research and essay writing skills having tanked practically the whole HCI paper by myself. Presentations wise, I still suck but mostly due to no rehearsals. My side development business wise is a complete stalled show. My only fucking client is so slow at responding and full of delays! I mean, I agreed to do first client free, but show some respect lah! To make matters worse, my sales partner doesn't have the connections or ability to take initiative and go engage more clients. Sigh.

All in all, I would say that my year is going FINE, for now. It just appears to me like progress is stalling, and the stress from all these assignments might have warped my thinking a bit. Also there is that Impending Doom I keep talking about that is at the back of my mind. I won't reveal what it is here, but suffice to say it's something super BAD that had happened to me in my sheer stupidity. Perhaps you can guess it, perhaps you can't, but either way that will be another major depression bomb to hit when it arrives. In the meantime, I'm mostly coasting for now. Albeit drowning in assignments. Haha.

So... Things are going OK? I guess?