Mindset Change

Hey guys! I'm back again!

I haven't been blogging for quite awhile now, and that can only be a good sign! When I turn to this blog too excessively, it's always a sign of my negative emotions and mental breakdown. So, the less I blog here the better! But today I just want to share what's been going on with me lately, seeing as my previous post was so dark and gloomy. So here's a positive one for a change!

Yes, you heard it right! I'm adopting a positive mental attitude for this one, what a shock.

Anyway, the main things that had happened to me since CNY was basically meeting up with my old secondary school friend, and then being forced to go back for ICT reservist training right in the middle of school term. Turns out, both of these events were super helpful in helping me turn my life around, and viewing everything in a different light. Let me explain how.

Firstly, I think I ought to explain briefly the problem or situation I was in. Basically, I was stuck in an emotional rut, where I no longer even believed in myself. I lost the will to live, to fight, and to continue chasing any life goals. It was like close to end of the road for me. When even you yourself give up on yourself, you are fucking screwed you know. But then, I met up with my old time friend, who doubles as my unofficial therapist in these sort of situations. He's doing great, and strongly and passionately believes in what he is doing. The direct opposite of how I felt back then. Well, the only similarity is that we are both single. Haha, that's besides the point.

So after having a long whole day chat with my old friend, spanning from lunch to dinner, Long story short is that I started feeling better. Not only does he inspire me with what he is doing and believes in doing, but he sort of opened my eyes to my own capabilities. Basically, I am really not doing so bad, in some sense, you could say I'm fucking awesome. How many people can do the things I can do? How many people can think and analyze on the level that I do? We are like minded in the sense that we overthink things, which also means that we have the capability for such deep thoughts. And it takes one to know one. I truly needed his help to stop me from thinking so much negative thoughts and spiralling into despair. Luckily he did manage to do it.

So that's one part of the problem solved: stop killing yourself. The next part was slightly more complicated. I needed to go from not killing myself, to actually believing I had what it took to fight again, to go and achieve what I want to do, to chase for my happiness again. Simple as it sounds, it was a monumental dilemma for me. I was really missing this part of the puzzle for the longest period of time, hence the name of this blog which came from Incomplete Perfection. Always that 1 ingredient short. In my mind, there was really only 2 possible solutions to this. First, is for me to become a super independent and confident alpha male and just fight regardless of everything. Second, is for someone important to come into my life to help fill the gaping hole. Someone who could believe in me and support me even when nobody did, even when I wanted to give up.

Something like what Rem does in episode 18 of Re:Zero that I watched recently.

this remixed music video just makes the scene even better.

And honestly, for the longest time I was so fixated on the second option that I didn't believe I had the ability to do the first option anymore. I gave up on myself, did nothing, and hoped and prayed for someone to come into my life, someone to be my moral support and put me back on track. But I now know that such an option is just wishful thinking. In fact, a lot of times, you kind of need to have shown or demonstrated your ability to do option one, before option two even becomes available. I suppose in a comical way, you can think of it like some unlockable game content. You cannot unlock stage 2 without first doing stage 1. Makes sense right?

About the reservist training, it's a pretty long story. Basically, it came to me when I was in a pretty negative state of mind, and I was super adamant on NOT going for it no matter what. I mean, I was just super pissed that it had to happen in the middle of my school term, even if the 2nd week was a recess week. So, I was prepared to try all means possible to get deferred. I went so far as to appeal to the MP of my GRC, and I was prepared to take MC multiple times or AWOL. But alas, they let me book in 1 day late, and gave me off for Wed lesson, so I really missed none of my lessons. To be honest, I was still slightly sour, so I decided to exercise my rights to endorse my medical condition. This is where things get slightly more complicated.

Day 1, I went to the medical officer and he gave me some minor statuses, which excused me from carrying heavy loads and stuff. Not enough to excuse me from the outfield training the next week. Day 2, after a night of thinking about it, I went on my own to "clarify" on my statuses, and came back with the "Excused Outfield" status. The MO even asked me to sign a form to get down PES. lol. But I REALLY want to clear the air here. As much as this situation seems like a "kheng" to escape training, I REALLY do have a medical condition. I mean, there is no bluffing, I went through all the respective MRI + XRAY + Blood tests already. And it is a FACT, that I experience back pains every morning. Could I still force it and go through the outfield training? Sure. But should I risk it? Probably not. I do believe that the pains happened after sleeping on the cold concrete floor during last year's training. Basically, I am growing old and probably have rheumatism is the short story. Still waiting for the follow up appointment on that.

But what's the big deal right? Just excuse training only mah. That's what I thought, but apparently other people think differently. I can't tell for sure, but if my ever so sensitive perception of people is right, I think everyone in the platoon hates me for it. From the commanders down to all the combat fit men. The resentment shown is apparent. Again, I let this get to me. For a couple of days, I was stressing out about this. Those who were once close friends and buddies, started growing more distant, colder. Even people who I have clearly helped in the past were not cutting me any slack. I guess, I missed the camaraderie and friendship that we shared. I just didn't expect them to cut me off so abruptly just because I skipped 1 outfield training, even thought it was the last outfield we will ever get. Eh come on lah, I really do have a medical condition what...

That situation sort of put me at a crossroad. Do I retreat? And retract back into the depths of despair, to doubt myself again and ask why I am such a horrible person? Or do I press forwards, fuck care all of them, and strike it out on my own? If you haven't been able to tell by this post thus far, I chose the latter option, which kind of coincides with option one that I listed above. Convenient right? But more importantly, I had an epiphany. I realized the missing piece to solve the dilemma I had been facing. It really wasn't just option 1 or option 2. It required a holistic approach to enable option 1 so that I can achieve option 2! Crazy mind-fuck right? Sorry to get all meta psychology on you. But it is true!

So the secret is this one word: image.

I want to further develop the idea, and elaborate on what I mean, but it is getting kind of late, and this blog post has gone waaaay out of proportion. Too long liao, I shall elaborate on this point in a separate post. The gist of it though, is that I need to build and maintain a solid image. One that inspires confidence, capability, and success. Only then can I have that reflect and have the self-confidence to go out and achieve everything that I want. It's way more nuanced than that, but really I cannot fit anymore into this post, I'm tired. So stay tuned! Look out for my next blog post, detailing the secrets I have discovered during this short period that turned my whole mindset around.

Until then, stay positive and live strong! :)