Happy CNY?

Hello everyone. Happy Chinese New Year. Hope you ar having a good one.

Personally, I don't know how to feel about my day today. Everything went by just so quickly. Wake up in the morning, then head down to my uncle's house. Do some quick Yu Sheng thingy, exchange a few words here and there, and by 5pm we left. Things are just getting so quiet lately. Not even the full extended family showed up. Such a stark contrast to about 10 years ago, when things were still very lively and happening.

I don't know why, perhaps it is a factor of age, and we are all just victims of time. Gradually the older generations fade away, and the young ones are not there to replace them. For my family at least. For a long time, I had 3 grandparents. Then paternal grandma passed away. Next was maternal grandma, after which we no longer visited my mother's side. Then my paternal grandpa, leaving behind just a bachelor uncles. Only my dad and his sisters are married. Then finally this year, one of my uncles passed. The family tree is literally fading before my eyes.

Perhaps I feel extra pressure being the only grandson carrying the family name? But I am kind of numb by now. It's a burden I have lived with for years now. And the way things look, it is likely that I would follow my uncles' fates rather than my father's. Unfortunately. But that's not even the thing. I am just rather upset that some of our family don't even bother to show up anymore. Call me old fashion, but I really miss the old days, when we had big gatherings, and stayed till really late at night. I used to think those were a waste of time, but oh how I miss them so now. It's like the life has been sucked out of the family. 

You know, I hesitated about making this post. After all, it's supposed to be a HAPPY new year right? But for me it isn't. It really isn't! I'm near to tears on the inside. I know I have been posting more and more emo posts in the recent weeks, I just can't help it. I'm beginning to be convinced that I really have a mental illness. I am seriously starting to consider looking for a psychiatrist for help. I think a part of me is broken, and it needs some deeper level of fixing that I am not capable of finding on my own. I just don't have the time right now. So maybe after graduation or something.

Yeah, that's all for today. Happy CNY!