Depression

So what have I been up to lately?
I was asked that quite a number of times when I went to meet up with my NTU gang. Honestly, the reason I didn't answer was because I didn't know how to answer. So this is my long and roundabout way of trying to come up with an answer. The short TLDR answer is basically "nothing much". But of course, as with anything, there is a lot more to it than what it seems like on the surface.

Haven't blogged in many months, so I went to reread my previous post before posting this. I know it would seem that things were looking bright in my previous post. It seemed like I had really found the answer. That things had really started to click for me. And in some ways it did! I felt a lot stronger, and was able to power through that last semester of school. Hey, I even finished strong in the top 10% of the cohort. I think I did well, my situation and all things considered.

So then why the sudden return of depression and negativity? Somehow I feel like I was born to suffer in constant misery and pain. Things have not been going smoothly for me in a very very long time. I had an awesome childhood, I think. But nothing has even gone right from teenage years onwards. I guess it's the problem of being both a big dreamer AND a perfectionist at the same time. It's a bad combo. I will often dream up these lavish and extravagant futures and feel like I am incomplete and unable to reach such goals. People who have worked with me in recent projects will have experienced this firsthand. Yes I can be very demanding in terms of quality standards, but know that I am even more demanding and harsh towards myself.

And that's perhaps the source of my eternal depression and negativity. I always strive for perfection, and I constantly beat myself up over not being able to achieve it, rinse and repeat. Things are looking even more dire lately as I struggle towards the end of my long running "situation" that I got involved in. Not much I can share about the "situation" except that it's bad. Very bad. Something that for most people could potentially be career ending or life ending. For me though, it is uncertain. I mean, it's still gonna scar me fucking deep mentally and emotionally for life. But because I plan to leave the country anyway, it's not THAT bad even if I fuck up every possible opportunity and prospect that I will ever have in Singapore. I fucking hate this place already.

But it doesn't change the "situation". And the fact right now is that, I AM STUCK. I cannot do anything until this resolves completely, I can't get a permanent job, I can't make plans, I can't even see what my future will be like 3 to 6 months from now, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING! And that's why my answer to you all is that I am doing nothing much lately. Because I can do nothing much. The wiser of you that are able to read between the lines of my recent blog posts will already know what I've been involved in. So far I've only told 1 friend about it. But the fact of the matter is that it sucks man. Not being able to have the control and freedom to plan and work towards my goals sucks for someone like me. And that only serves to further aggravate my depression.

I have been seeking help lately. In the past couple of months, I have been seeing a psychiatrist for treatment regarding my issues. But honestly he can only do so much. There are multiple different sides within me that it is like some warring states going on in there. When I do talk to my psychiatrist, the logical and calm side can come out and portray some level of confidence. My I myself know that I am still in a mess. And the longer this "situation" drags on, the worse it is going to get. To the point that I just want to get it over and done with. Win or lose, good or bad outcome I almost don't care anymore. I JUST WANT IT TO END GODDAMMIT! Let me free already. Stop eating away at my life. I'm not growing any younger, and I have yet to achieve anything substantial. I am just a ball of nothing right now. Caught in limbo, floating in space. Lost.

Which is why I have returned to binge gaming. To escape from it all. To have a distraction. To not think so much about other things. To have something to kill my time. Recently, I have been playing a lot of Maplestory M. I'm on the Asia2 - Zenith server. Add me, lol. So yeah, that's my current status. Not doing much, can't do much. The only so called "work" I am doing is basically just tune my crypto trading bots from time to time. And perhaps also contemplating creating my own website. I've been dwelling on the idea for awhile now, but have been procrastinating and gaming too much to actually act on it. Sigh.

Anyway, I didn't mean to come here and complain about how pathetic my life is right now. But honestly speaking, depression is no joke man. And I encourage anyone who is facing it find someone to talk to. As someone who experiences it firsthand, I know that I definitely want people to talk to. It may not solve all the problems, but it certainly makes things a bit less painful. Sometimes, we just need someone to share the heavy burden that we carry, and it's nice to know that someone would care. Right now what I need more than anything, is someone who understands me.

oh yeah, and I've been watching loads of anime to kill time too...