I am Lost

Oh no, I am blogging more frequently. That cannot be a good sign for my mental health. Usually when I blog a lot means there are loads of crappy thoughts stuck up in my head. Stuff that I need somewhere to unload. After all, it's been quite some time since I've actually blogged regularly. The last time, I was also go through some state of depression and denial.

But yeah, past day or 2 I've been feeling really lost. Firstly, I was rejected by the company that I was aiming so hard for. Then, yesterday's fiasco with the assignment submission. Things are not going well. Yesterday was the first time that I submitted a school assignment late, ever. Tried to upload at 2359, but turns out you need to upload BEFORE 2359, i.e. 2358. Who knew. But that's not the main reason why we were late.

Sure, it would be easy to blame the teammate who keeps on travelling on holidays. But there's no way I can bring myself to blame her right? Truth be told, I gotta take some of the blame as well, as the so-called unofficial leader. I've never been super good at taking the leader role, and I think it clearly shows. Truth be told, it's got more to do with my more unstable mental state lately. Rejection is never something easy to deal with, be it job interview or relationships. If you scroll to some of my super old posts, you will see. I've struggled. A lot.

It's a super huge blow on many levels. Particularly, it's a straight blow to the ego. You suddenly start to keep questioning and doubting yourself. Was I not good enough? Did I not do the right things? What the hell is wrong with me? And then when even you no longer believe in yourself, you no longer have the confidence to do things well. Dammit, and I thought I had things super crystal clear after last year. Feels like everything is back to the drawing board for me.

Perhaps it's just a February thing. Despite it being my birthday month, and chinese new year month together, it's never been a super happy month for me. Perhaps it's because my birthday is so close to the 14th. But yeah, I usually then to shut myself off for most of Feb, better to numb yourself and feel no pain. Computer games are a very good outlet for that. A lot of CNY events going on for each game. Can just burn time away...

It's not that I don't enjoy the company of others, to be clear. Quite the opposite in fact. I yearn so much for the company of others. Not quite the massive group party kind, since I'm not social enough for such capabilities. But rather, I like to sit down with a small group of 1-3 people to have long and deep conversations together. The only problem is that I have very few close friends, and I'm not great at initiating meet ups and stuff. And.... I think I should stop myself here. Best not to go down too deep into the rabbit hole. I only meant to vent off some emotions.

In other more interesting news, the crypto markets are back on the up trend today. It's super unfortunate that I wasn't able to capitalize on yesterday's crash more. I was monitoring only from time-to-time because my head was literally stuck in report writing. I mean, I'm glad that I managed to pick up some Ethereum at super good prices, but I didn't pick up any more Bitcoin. Then again, I entered at the 10k and 9k ranges, so I think I'm fine in that regard. Just waiting for fucking Coinbase to approve my account, so that I can shift most of my portfolio into ETH. Because Ethereum is where it's at. You heard it here first, trust me. ETH is gonna explode this year, the moment they shift to proof-of-stake. I forecast ETH overtaking BTC in 2018. I'm calling it here.

Other than that, nothing much today lor. Just back to playing my MapleStory. If anyone is keen, can hit me up, we play together. If not, then I'll play it solo either way. Well okay, have a happy February everyone. Hopefully it's not as depressing for you as it is for me.