Toxic

Well, hi there.
I know I haven't been writing for such a long time. It's beginning to feel unnatural for me to even be blogging anymore. Truth is, I've been ever more and more immersed in escapism again. Slowly losing myself to the game world. Yet, while I'm consciously aware of this slow erosion of myself, I am unable to find the motivation or courage to break from it. You see, the thing is I have nothing else left. It's just me myself and I, and nature dictates that the path of least resistance wins out...

Honestly, I wish I had something better to do with my life. I wish I had the moral courage to do what I actually wanted to do. But the biggest roadblock is the mental one. For I am always questioning myself. What made me this way? Why is life so boring yet so painful? Why can't I push myself to do what I know is good for me? What is my motivation to continue living? A lot of these questions still remain unanswered. And honestly, to a certain extent I have slightly given up hope on ever putting myself back on track. Life is a bitch, and I have been in agony ever since first year of uni.

This song.... The feels... Totally sympathize and understand.

Coz what have I been doing with my life since that first year of university right? It's like I've been trying to fight and fight all the way. But turns out, I was only fighting an illusion. An image of myself that I didn't want to see. The sad sorry state that I had put myself into. The realization that I am abnormal, eccentric, and mostly an unwanted nuisance and burden to society. Wow that's harsh. I don't think I've ever so honestly criticized myself like that. Deep down inside, I guess I really hate myself, and my inability to achieve what I really want in life. I'm a failure, really.

I will not blame it on anyone for how I have become this way. But I do want to note something about my environment, my family, and some of my friends. It's toxic man... When even your closest kin and friends don't encourage or believe in you. When instead of words of encouragement, you get snide remarks and a constant flow of insults. Reverse psychology only works to a certain point. At some point, irrelevant and hurtful feedback do more harm than good. Well, it's nothing new. I lived with it since young. I used to use it as my fuel, to prove to others that they're wrong, and I can do it. It's only starting to sting more in recent years, when I realize how much of a failure at life I am. That I really can't do it.

So where do I go from here? Well, I myself don't know actually. Status quo I guess? Continue being the loser that gets insulted and questioned by people. Ok lah, I have made some progress, purely because I am sick of my own sorry state. I am continuing on my Japanese lessons weekly, and I do have a weekly gym session going on. Problem is I'm falling behind in terms of revision, and currently only go gym once a week. Neither I think is very effective thus far. I'll probably see what I can do to improve on it lor. But just like my work, there is not much passion involved. I just do what I have to do for the sake of doing it and that's all. Not to say I won't do it well, but I won't particularly love what I'm doing.

To sum up: no love, no motivation, no passion, no life.