The Awakening

Hmm, I feel peaceful. Just really peaceful. Not laden with unnecessary worry anymore. Perhaps it is just a natural process of gaining experience and maturity of thought. I have always felt that my mind is quite a couple of years behind in age compared to my body. What am I blabbering about? Well previously, you can say that I was super unhappy about my life, I was envious of other people, and over just totally unsatisfied with myself. I hated my life totally. Now? I can say I don't feel so bad anymore. I feel rather at peace...

Could it be, that this is a sign that I have given up? Admitted defeat and resigned to fate? Perhaps, I don't know. But one thing I am certain of, is that all that unhappiness was unhealthy. It is helpful if it spurred action, but it didn't. It was more self-destructive in nature. Continuing down that path would have only reinforced more suicidal thoughts. I was looking at things from too microscopic a view, and over analyzing everything as usual.

But now, I see things in a slightly more practical light. Sure, there was a pretty big concession that had to be made, and that was the fact that I can't expect to do everything and have everything that others can. Sounds simple? It wasn't. You might say it was THE ultimate blow to the ego. We often believe ourselves to be invincible, and that allows us to do great things. However, great ambitions can also lead to great failures and crushing defeats. I am past that now.

Am I giving up? Quitting it all? I hope I am not. Rather, I'd like to think that I am becoming more focused and practical. And I am proud to say, that I have gained this wisdom from gaming itself. What do I mean? Instead of trying to conquer huge monumental tasks like I used to like doing, I now appreciate the simplicity and practicality of doing smaller and simpler tasks to achieve the bigger goal. Sure, we all want change to happen overnight. It's the dream right? Why go through extended pain instead of doing one big bang transformation? I used to think this way, and believed it made so much sense.

Every now and then, I step back and look at things. Now I realize my past naivety, and the shortcomings of always trying to do things one fell swoop. Is this a good thing in the long run? Well I'm not sure, but it seems better in the short term. At least I am learning to control my temper and feelings. I do not feel as distraught from small failures and lack of immediate achievements. I will always tell myself, that there will be another opportunity. Another chance at a shot to success. Well, as long as due diligence is done.

And I am proud to say that I learn all this from playing Dota! For the longest period of time, I have been on a mega losing streak. Me and four other friends had been losing game after game, to the point where we were totally demoralized. It was so bad, that it still affects some of them to this day. My best friend just quit Dota altogether, and it's now impossible to ask him to join us to play. Another friend also moved on to other games, and playing with other friends from america, but that may be due to the personal issues he has with me. Luckily though, I managed to console the other 2 guys to continue playing with me. So now with a few other players we can still continue playing, and winning more than before.

Part of this, is due to my recent change in mindset towards playing Dota. At the end of the day, we need to know that it's just a game. Win or lose, it's important to keep a calm and clear mind in order to perform better. It really doesn't matter if you are behind, there will be opportunities to make a comeback. But only if you believe, if you still believe you have a shot in the game. It is that belief, and clear state of mind, that will allow you to fight harder and better when crunch time comes. Then, you turn the tide on your enemies and take the game. If not? Doesn't matter, just make sure you do better next game. Do not ever let past mistakes haunt you.

It may sound funny, that I am talking about a game at such a deep level. But I am making some progress on my goals as well. Have already went for several lessons of Japanese, and I am enjoying it thus far. The reading and writing is kinda tough for me, but conversational seems quite ok. As for gym, I have recently approached True Fitness, and unfortunately found their business practises kinda shady, so shall be giving it a miss. Will need to consult my friend further on recommendations for Fitness First and California Fitness. Shall also do my own research in the meantime on more gyms. I should have a membership by this week or next week latest.

So yeah, that's what's been going on in my life lately. Small tiny baby steps taken in search of a bigger dream. That's as simply as I can put it. And I personally think it's ok! Better to make some progress than none at all. Oh, also I guess my work performance appraisal went pretty ok. That's perhaps why I'm feeling slightly better. Should be getting a pretty decent bonus and raise, albeit prorated, by the mid year. Fingers crossed. :D

Happy belated birthday to Hinanchu!

Good things will come to those who are willing to wait? Right? :)