Wednesday, 19 February 2020
New Blog
Hi guys. I have started a new blog and will discontinue using this one.
Please follow me on my journey at my new blog! Thank you.
https://journeyofjubilation.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, 31 December 2019
The End?
Wow, it's been quite awhile right? Haven't been blogging at all.
The reason why I wanted to start writing again is because I just have a lot of things floating around in my mind. The best way for me to get them all organized is to put them down in text. Also, it's almost 2020 right? The end of a decade, and the start of a new one. Surely, there's no better time to write out a reflective blog post of this sort. So here we go.
I think first of all, I want to address the most recent happenings about me. There is that controversial situation that happened a couple of months back that you probably know about already. If you know about it, then you know. If you don't know, then I'd rather not dig out the past. But to be honest, I had been hinting about it on this blog for some time already. It's not like I was trying to deliberately hide it. You'll find it sooner or later, if you want to. Not that it's necessary.
So, what's there to say about it? Not much to be honest. Aside from the fact that most of the finer more important details that were left out, you probably know roughly what happened. If it hasn't been apparent, I have been suffering from major depressive disorders for some time now. That, plus a few other aggravating factors played a part. However, I make no excuses and totally own up for what happened. It was entirely my fault and no one else's. I would just like to focus my efforts on moving forward now, and hopefully you can afford me that same respect.
That's about the most I can divulge without talking to you in person.
Finally with that major baggage out of the way, let's talk about some reflections on the past decade. That's what this post is about right? Not specifically focusing on one incident. But boy is there a lot of stuff to talk about. I could go on rambling for days. But the point of this post and the blog in general is to organize my thoughts in a log so that I can possibly come back and reread all of this stuff should I ever need to. IN FACT! Looking back, I realized that I started this blog in 2011, and thus it has been almost 10 years that I have been blogging here on and off. What a coincidence, and what a way to end this blog!
I think I want to organize the remainder part of this post based on chronological order and split them up based on the phase of life I was in, for better clarity. Unlike a lot of my past ranting posts that just stated facts mixed with my own negative interpretative opinions and complaints, I aim to do a more balanced, objective, and in-depth reflection. I will reflect on what happened during that period, the takeaways, both the good and the bad, and possibly what I will do in the future. Let's start.
Phase One: 2010 - 2014
Oh man, the university days. It was a mixed bag. I think it's helpful to understand my background coming into this. Perviously, I came from an all-boys secondary school, and then proceeded through JC in a H2 Computing class that had only 2 girls in total. Therefore, my experience with girls is limited to almost zero. At the same time, I was the top scorer for H2 Computing in my JC, winning awards and all, which gave me a slightly haughty opinion of my personal capabilities. Yet, the fact remains that I was thrown into a completely new environment after being 2 yrs out of touch because of NS and the lack of friends or connections. Goals to accomplish? Study hard, do well in university, get girlfriend, get job. All this while being my solo player self. I even ended up missing the summer orientation camp as I was working part-time, and somehow missed out on applying for hall and CCA. I really don't think I could be more introverted or anti-social during this period.
What happened during this period? Well, academics ate up a huge part, and somehow I chose to focus only on it. During year 1, I honestly tried very hard to try to get a girlfriend. But my shy inexperienced introverted self was unable to make first moves at all. Signals were sent, but that's about it. Then I got rekt by another dude coming into the picture. Thus, I think I became even more reclusive and decided to focus solely on academics. And I did do well, to be fair. Achieved the much coveted Dean's List award and scored a bunch of As along the way. Did a couple of internships here and there. Tried applying to banks, but they wouldn't take me. Eventually landed jobs with the government sector. Funny story is that the interview was such a joke. After the interview, they called me immediately while I was on the train home to offer me the job. I also learned a lot during this period, especially with the heavy weight 8 MC project and my FYP paper. I think I had a grand total of less than 5 friends during the 4 years. Most were just project group mates.
So what's my reflection? Well, honestly this is the most reflected on period of my life. I have always looked back on it with regrets and how I could have done things better. But today, I shall try to also see the positives. The negatives are obvious. I got rekt in relationships, I missed my second upper by a few points, flunked a couple of modules, didn't managed to secure my minor, didn't get into any high paying bank jobs, didn't really experience uni life, didn't make many friends, etc. I think I can go on and on because I have thought about the negatives too much. But on the bright side, I picked up key programming skills in Java, I was given the opportunity to explore web development during internship, I improved my vocabulary a ton by writing essays, I beat so many others to get the Dean's List, I read up on and picked up a knack for appreciating good design, I landed a solid paying iron rice bowl government job. And hey, I graduated from university! I was going places! Could I have done things better? Yeah. But do I regret it? No, not anymore. I am no god (despite the fact that it was my nickname), I can't have known and done everything. I already accomplished so much. It's no use regretting what happened. I can only move forward now.
Phase Two: 2014 - 2016
The working years. It was short, but also rather eventful. In the first place, I was put into a weird spot. I was originally supposed to work for that department. But because I delayed my starting day, funny enough my classmate applied and got into the job ahead of me. So, they wanted to reassign me somewhere else but I negotiated with them and got into the same department as my classmate. This situation is strange because they didn't really have a clear role for me to fill and so I was doing odd jobs, random admins and "research" work. The two main issues I ran into during this time, was people issues, and my existential crisis. Not having a clear role aside, at this time I was still fresh out of university and trying to discover what I want in life. I still didn't have a girlfriend and didn't know how, especially not in my department of uncles/aunties. This meant that I was young and free enough to literally do anything. The endless possibilities clearly overwhelmed me. An 'incident' also occured due to my lack of EQ. Somehow there was a strange dynamic in my team where everybody hated our boss as they claim that he was 'parachuted' in and didn't understand any of their problems. One day I accidentally exposed one guy in an implied message in the group chat, and boy did he take it badly.
What happened next was an almost team-wide boycott towards me. I was still too emotionally immature and didn't know how to handle all these human interactions. I was trying my best to ignore it, but it clearly affected me. So again, I withdrew into my reclusive self and went back to solo life. Just to add fuel to the fire, the parties working on the project were constantly not working together or straight out disagreeing entirely. The challenge was how to make all parties satisfied AND deliver on the project. Meanwhile, our people started leaving the team 1-by-1 in some kind of slow exodus. Some transferred to other departments, others left the company entirely. This just meant more work to spread out among lesser people. And all this while, I was still having my existential crisis. Questioning myself constantly, is this really what you want to be doing for the rest of your life? Is this how to live life? Do you really enjoy or find purpose in doing your work? Are you ever going to end up anywhere with this? Will you ever meet that special someone while holed up in this place? There were plenty of questions and endless self-doubt, it was miserable. Eventually, I didn't know how to handle it anymore. My mental health was deteriorating and I was on the verge of going crazy. So I left.
Now that I think about it, I have seldom reflected on this critical period of my life. Perhaps it was too painful, perhaps I didn't know how to face it. I really wanted to ignore it and move on. But I now know that the more you run away from a problem, the more it will come to haunt you. And the thing is, no matter how badly I have painted it, there were positives during this period as well! During this period, I started to reconnect with my best friend from primary school and started attending all those cosplay events and started getting into photography. I needed an outlet for all the pent up stress that was building up. Not to mention that I was somehow secretly hoping to get into a relationship with the cosplayers. Not with my introverted self, that didn't happen. On the bright side, what did happen, was that my solid paying job provided me with the finances to do what I want OUTSIDE of work. Being so engrossed with academics at school, I also assumed that work would be my everything. I overlooked that work/life separation that was also viable. Having a stable income allowed me to attend events freely on weekends, allowed me to eat at all the expensive restaurants without budget, allowed me to gym and study Japanese, allowed me to buy camera gear and pursue photography as a hobby, and most of all allowed me to travel. And we all know how eyeopening my visit to Japan was.
Phase Three: 2017 - 2019
Possibly the most 'eventful' but yet also the most turbulent period of my life. 2016 ended on a rather sour note for me. Not only did I quit my job with no plan in sight, but also my mother was suddenly afflicted with a stroke. For several months, she was almost immobile on the entire right side of her body. What a way to start the year. For a short period, I was toying with the idea of starting a business or using my savings to open up a subway franchise. The naive idea was to have freedom to do what I want and not have to answer to any boss. But I slowly learned that freedom and responsibility come hand in hand. Sure you have no boss, but how are you going to motivate and push yourself for your own sake? Turned out the plans didn't go anywhere. I wasn't fired up enough to pull through anything. So I turned to an old secondary school friend that I hadn't contacted in over a decade. He was currently starting his Masters program at NTU, and urged me to do the same. Having no concrete plans at the moment, it made the most sense and was the path of least resistance. After all, as much as I complained, I realized that I really loved academics and the student life. It was really the only thing I was ever remotely good at doing. So I signed up!
And I really had the best time of my life doing my Masters! Second only to maybe my primary school days? I felt alive again. I felt like I could really do something. Heck I even had a crush on the cute girl in my class who shared the lift with me on the very first day! Somehow we became friends and did almost every project together. But she kept a lot of her private life secret, and it took a long time for me to figure out that she was already attached. Oh well, I still enjoyed out time together. As for the actual academic content, it was more or less easily manageable as I had studied similar stuff before during undergraduate days. Nonetheless, it was a good revision, and I got to meet many cool people as I formed close bonds with a small group of our Singaporean minority. We constantly supported and looked out for each other. We even had project meetings and outings to many places. It was really fun times. Behind all this though, I was hiding the dark clouds that overshadowed my life and was eating into the back of my mind. You see, the 'incident' had already happened between me registering and starting my Masters program. I was basically just waiting out the procedures to happen and bring it to a close. I had no choice in the matter, but I will say that the Masters program helped me very much deal with some otherwise very tough times.
Graduation happened in 2018, and it seems that we all went our separate ways. A sad departure from one of the best group of friends I've had in awhile. I couldn't even seriously look for a job given my situation. Meanwhile, I can only observe my ex-crush doing stuff and going places. Must be nice. It also seems that at this period, most of my peers from my cohort in NUS are getting married and settling down. All while I was drifting and held in limbo. If there was a tougher time and more mentally draining time than when I was at work, it would be this. You don't know what you got until it's lost. And then 2019 rolled around, and I knew I had to face the inevitable, so I made the mental determination to own up and just go through with it. At this point, I had already been on medication and psychotherapy for close to about 2 years. I was feeling better mentally. But as ready as I was, it was difficult for the people around me. I basically spammed the drugs to keep myself together over that difficult period, and only came off towards the end. I honestly lost everything and had nothing left to look forward to in life. Thankfully I still had 1 Japan trip left with my friend. It was great, and made me want to go back for more.
These days, I have been 'drifting' more than anything. I feel like I am doing nothing. I mean, I have been applying for jobs every now and then, but not getting any good responses. And me being adamant about working in Japan doesn't really help either. I still go to gym, and I still do photography at events. But I had stopped my Japanese lessons for so long already. Also what am I doing that is productive use of my 30 year old life? I don't know, and I still didn't have a plan. Wow, this period is disorganized. It's my first time seriously reflecting on this period of my life actually. I guess that will be the first step for me in 2020. So let's close this by trying to come up with some reflections on this period. Negatives almost don't need to be stated, it's blasting right in my face, basically wasted away a large portion of time, setting myself back from my cohort. Positives are a bit more nuanced. Firstly, I'd say that the academic part was really good. I had the opportunity to work with an excellent prof who had some serious OCD for essay writing, and really took my writing skills to a whole new level. It's amazing the kind of work I was able to produce under his influence. In terms of student life and friendship, I will say that I had an awesome time. Although, I'll probably never contact them ever again as I am too afraid of them judging me. Lastly, I want to say that in terms of mental health, I have made some serious progress. Things that were unbearable to me before, I can now handle in my stride pretty easily. I am generally more positive and less depressed.
So when I say Happy New Year, I really mean it. I want to be Happy from now on onwards. And it took me awhile to get it, but happiness comes from within. You cannot look to someone or something to make you happy. It's about expectations, and it's about your reactions to situations that determines your happiness. The first phase of the past decade was really the foundational years that helped me build a base of knowledge and intellectual background. It was where I really honed the technical and design skills I have today. The second phase was confusing, but a very good teacher in hindsight. It taught me to be thankful for the luxuries and resources I had. It showed me that a better understanding of your self vs your work and how you can segregate, balance or integrate it to your discretion. I will definitely look to working on that when I get my next job. The third phase was arguably the toughest. It gave me hope, but then took away everything I had built up. I really really enjoyed my time in NTU, and the friendships I built along the way. Above all else, it really trained and helped me to improve on my 'human interactions' skills that I so lacked. Towards the end of the year was painful no doubt, but also helped build up my psychological resilience and maturity. For that at least, I'm thankful.
And I think that will be the theme for the coming year at least. Learning to be thankful for what I have, what I encounter, what I receive, and what I will achieve. Life is too short now to be an emo pessimistic cynical bitch. I mean, I need to get stuff done dammit. In the past, it was definitely the case that I had focused too much on studies and work that I had totally neglected mental health. I was always in the camp of: "aiya somehow I will get over it", and treated it as a trivial matter. But in reality we often overlook how important it is to manage our mood and overall wellbeing. While I was away, I've had the time to read plenty of self-help books on the matter. Most agree that it is important to regularly take stock of your blessings and what makes you happy, so as to maximize your happiness. To that end, I will be starting a new blog to replace this one. I haven't thought about the name of it yet, but it will definitely be more positive that this one. I mean, "Incomplete Perfexion" how did I even come up with that. The follies of youth. Hahaha. But yeah, the new blog will be mainly focusing on 2 aspects that I want to work on. One is the happiness log, to teach me to be more thankful for what I have, to notice the good stuff, and to stop being a sourpuss. Two is for regular action plans, so that I commit and be accountable to execute what I say I want to do. I've had moderate success in the past with these "Action Plans" on this blog before, but it got kind of lost in the other messy emo stuff I was going through. So, I want to give it another shot.
I will post the link to my new blog here once it's up. Do follow me there!
[EDIT] Here it is! https://journeyofjubilation.blogspot.com/
THAT'S ABOUT IT! This blog post is way longer that I wanted, and that Phase 3 had more rants and mess than I would have liked, but the gist is there. If you know me in person, then you can clearly tell the difference in my articulation between when I try to talk and when I am writing. It's a world of difference. I am constantly working on being more expressive in person. ANYWAY, I would also like to take this opportunity to wish anyone reading this a very happy new year and successful decade ahead. I want to say that we are all in this journey called life together, and there should be no reason why we cannot make the most out of it. Let's do our best from here on out. Happy 2020!
The reason why I wanted to start writing again is because I just have a lot of things floating around in my mind. The best way for me to get them all organized is to put them down in text. Also, it's almost 2020 right? The end of a decade, and the start of a new one. Surely, there's no better time to write out a reflective blog post of this sort. So here we go.
I think first of all, I want to address the most recent happenings about me. There is that controversial situation that happened a couple of months back that you probably know about already. If you know about it, then you know. If you don't know, then I'd rather not dig out the past. But to be honest, I had been hinting about it on this blog for some time already. It's not like I was trying to deliberately hide it. You'll find it sooner or later, if you want to. Not that it's necessary.
So, what's there to say about it? Not much to be honest. Aside from the fact that most of the finer more important details that were left out, you probably know roughly what happened. If it hasn't been apparent, I have been suffering from major depressive disorders for some time now. That, plus a few other aggravating factors played a part. However, I make no excuses and totally own up for what happened. It was entirely my fault and no one else's. I would just like to focus my efforts on moving forward now, and hopefully you can afford me that same respect.
That's about the most I can divulge without talking to you in person.
Finally with that major baggage out of the way, let's talk about some reflections on the past decade. That's what this post is about right? Not specifically focusing on one incident. But boy is there a lot of stuff to talk about. I could go on rambling for days. But the point of this post and the blog in general is to organize my thoughts in a log so that I can possibly come back and reread all of this stuff should I ever need to. IN FACT! Looking back, I realized that I started this blog in 2011, and thus it has been almost 10 years that I have been blogging here on and off. What a coincidence, and what a way to end this blog!
I think I want to organize the remainder part of this post based on chronological order and split them up based on the phase of life I was in, for better clarity. Unlike a lot of my past ranting posts that just stated facts mixed with my own negative interpretative opinions and complaints, I aim to do a more balanced, objective, and in-depth reflection. I will reflect on what happened during that period, the takeaways, both the good and the bad, and possibly what I will do in the future. Let's start.
Phase One: 2010 - 2014
Oh man, the university days. It was a mixed bag. I think it's helpful to understand my background coming into this. Perviously, I came from an all-boys secondary school, and then proceeded through JC in a H2 Computing class that had only 2 girls in total. Therefore, my experience with girls is limited to almost zero. At the same time, I was the top scorer for H2 Computing in my JC, winning awards and all, which gave me a slightly haughty opinion of my personal capabilities. Yet, the fact remains that I was thrown into a completely new environment after being 2 yrs out of touch because of NS and the lack of friends or connections. Goals to accomplish? Study hard, do well in university, get girlfriend, get job. All this while being my solo player self. I even ended up missing the summer orientation camp as I was working part-time, and somehow missed out on applying for hall and CCA. I really don't think I could be more introverted or anti-social during this period.
What happened during this period? Well, academics ate up a huge part, and somehow I chose to focus only on it. During year 1, I honestly tried very hard to try to get a girlfriend. But my shy inexperienced introverted self was unable to make first moves at all. Signals were sent, but that's about it. Then I got rekt by another dude coming into the picture. Thus, I think I became even more reclusive and decided to focus solely on academics. And I did do well, to be fair. Achieved the much coveted Dean's List award and scored a bunch of As along the way. Did a couple of internships here and there. Tried applying to banks, but they wouldn't take me. Eventually landed jobs with the government sector. Funny story is that the interview was such a joke. After the interview, they called me immediately while I was on the train home to offer me the job. I also learned a lot during this period, especially with the heavy weight 8 MC project and my FYP paper. I think I had a grand total of less than 5 friends during the 4 years. Most were just project group mates.
So what's my reflection? Well, honestly this is the most reflected on period of my life. I have always looked back on it with regrets and how I could have done things better. But today, I shall try to also see the positives. The negatives are obvious. I got rekt in relationships, I missed my second upper by a few points, flunked a couple of modules, didn't managed to secure my minor, didn't get into any high paying bank jobs, didn't really experience uni life, didn't make many friends, etc. I think I can go on and on because I have thought about the negatives too much. But on the bright side, I picked up key programming skills in Java, I was given the opportunity to explore web development during internship, I improved my vocabulary a ton by writing essays, I beat so many others to get the Dean's List, I read up on and picked up a knack for appreciating good design, I landed a solid paying iron rice bowl government job. And hey, I graduated from university! I was going places! Could I have done things better? Yeah. But do I regret it? No, not anymore. I am no god (despite the fact that it was my nickname), I can't have known and done everything. I already accomplished so much. It's no use regretting what happened. I can only move forward now.
Phase Two: 2014 - 2016
The working years. It was short, but also rather eventful. In the first place, I was put into a weird spot. I was originally supposed to work for that department. But because I delayed my starting day, funny enough my classmate applied and got into the job ahead of me. So, they wanted to reassign me somewhere else but I negotiated with them and got into the same department as my classmate. This situation is strange because they didn't really have a clear role for me to fill and so I was doing odd jobs, random admins and "research" work. The two main issues I ran into during this time, was people issues, and my existential crisis. Not having a clear role aside, at this time I was still fresh out of university and trying to discover what I want in life. I still didn't have a girlfriend and didn't know how, especially not in my department of uncles/aunties. This meant that I was young and free enough to literally do anything. The endless possibilities clearly overwhelmed me. An 'incident' also occured due to my lack of EQ. Somehow there was a strange dynamic in my team where everybody hated our boss as they claim that he was 'parachuted' in and didn't understand any of their problems. One day I accidentally exposed one guy in an implied message in the group chat, and boy did he take it badly.
What happened next was an almost team-wide boycott towards me. I was still too emotionally immature and didn't know how to handle all these human interactions. I was trying my best to ignore it, but it clearly affected me. So again, I withdrew into my reclusive self and went back to solo life. Just to add fuel to the fire, the parties working on the project were constantly not working together or straight out disagreeing entirely. The challenge was how to make all parties satisfied AND deliver on the project. Meanwhile, our people started leaving the team 1-by-1 in some kind of slow exodus. Some transferred to other departments, others left the company entirely. This just meant more work to spread out among lesser people. And all this while, I was still having my existential crisis. Questioning myself constantly, is this really what you want to be doing for the rest of your life? Is this how to live life? Do you really enjoy or find purpose in doing your work? Are you ever going to end up anywhere with this? Will you ever meet that special someone while holed up in this place? There were plenty of questions and endless self-doubt, it was miserable. Eventually, I didn't know how to handle it anymore. My mental health was deteriorating and I was on the verge of going crazy. So I left.
Now that I think about it, I have seldom reflected on this critical period of my life. Perhaps it was too painful, perhaps I didn't know how to face it. I really wanted to ignore it and move on. But I now know that the more you run away from a problem, the more it will come to haunt you. And the thing is, no matter how badly I have painted it, there were positives during this period as well! During this period, I started to reconnect with my best friend from primary school and started attending all those cosplay events and started getting into photography. I needed an outlet for all the pent up stress that was building up. Not to mention that I was somehow secretly hoping to get into a relationship with the cosplayers. Not with my introverted self, that didn't happen. On the bright side, what did happen, was that my solid paying job provided me with the finances to do what I want OUTSIDE of work. Being so engrossed with academics at school, I also assumed that work would be my everything. I overlooked that work/life separation that was also viable. Having a stable income allowed me to attend events freely on weekends, allowed me to eat at all the expensive restaurants without budget, allowed me to gym and study Japanese, allowed me to buy camera gear and pursue photography as a hobby, and most of all allowed me to travel. And we all know how eyeopening my visit to Japan was.
Phase Three: 2017 - 2019
Possibly the most 'eventful' but yet also the most turbulent period of my life. 2016 ended on a rather sour note for me. Not only did I quit my job with no plan in sight, but also my mother was suddenly afflicted with a stroke. For several months, she was almost immobile on the entire right side of her body. What a way to start the year. For a short period, I was toying with the idea of starting a business or using my savings to open up a subway franchise. The naive idea was to have freedom to do what I want and not have to answer to any boss. But I slowly learned that freedom and responsibility come hand in hand. Sure you have no boss, but how are you going to motivate and push yourself for your own sake? Turned out the plans didn't go anywhere. I wasn't fired up enough to pull through anything. So I turned to an old secondary school friend that I hadn't contacted in over a decade. He was currently starting his Masters program at NTU, and urged me to do the same. Having no concrete plans at the moment, it made the most sense and was the path of least resistance. After all, as much as I complained, I realized that I really loved academics and the student life. It was really the only thing I was ever remotely good at doing. So I signed up!
And I really had the best time of my life doing my Masters! Second only to maybe my primary school days? I felt alive again. I felt like I could really do something. Heck I even had a crush on the cute girl in my class who shared the lift with me on the very first day! Somehow we became friends and did almost every project together. But she kept a lot of her private life secret, and it took a long time for me to figure out that she was already attached. Oh well, I still enjoyed out time together. As for the actual academic content, it was more or less easily manageable as I had studied similar stuff before during undergraduate days. Nonetheless, it was a good revision, and I got to meet many cool people as I formed close bonds with a small group of our Singaporean minority. We constantly supported and looked out for each other. We even had project meetings and outings to many places. It was really fun times. Behind all this though, I was hiding the dark clouds that overshadowed my life and was eating into the back of my mind. You see, the 'incident' had already happened between me registering and starting my Masters program. I was basically just waiting out the procedures to happen and bring it to a close. I had no choice in the matter, but I will say that the Masters program helped me very much deal with some otherwise very tough times.
Graduation happened in 2018, and it seems that we all went our separate ways. A sad departure from one of the best group of friends I've had in awhile. I couldn't even seriously look for a job given my situation. Meanwhile, I can only observe my ex-crush doing stuff and going places. Must be nice. It also seems that at this period, most of my peers from my cohort in NUS are getting married and settling down. All while I was drifting and held in limbo. If there was a tougher time and more mentally draining time than when I was at work, it would be this. You don't know what you got until it's lost. And then 2019 rolled around, and I knew I had to face the inevitable, so I made the mental determination to own up and just go through with it. At this point, I had already been on medication and psychotherapy for close to about 2 years. I was feeling better mentally. But as ready as I was, it was difficult for the people around me. I basically spammed the drugs to keep myself together over that difficult period, and only came off towards the end. I honestly lost everything and had nothing left to look forward to in life. Thankfully I still had 1 Japan trip left with my friend. It was great, and made me want to go back for more.
These days, I have been 'drifting' more than anything. I feel like I am doing nothing. I mean, I have been applying for jobs every now and then, but not getting any good responses. And me being adamant about working in Japan doesn't really help either. I still go to gym, and I still do photography at events. But I had stopped my Japanese lessons for so long already. Also what am I doing that is productive use of my 30 year old life? I don't know, and I still didn't have a plan. Wow, this period is disorganized. It's my first time seriously reflecting on this period of my life actually. I guess that will be the first step for me in 2020. So let's close this by trying to come up with some reflections on this period. Negatives almost don't need to be stated, it's blasting right in my face, basically wasted away a large portion of time, setting myself back from my cohort. Positives are a bit more nuanced. Firstly, I'd say that the academic part was really good. I had the opportunity to work with an excellent prof who had some serious OCD for essay writing, and really took my writing skills to a whole new level. It's amazing the kind of work I was able to produce under his influence. In terms of student life and friendship, I will say that I had an awesome time. Although, I'll probably never contact them ever again as I am too afraid of them judging me. Lastly, I want to say that in terms of mental health, I have made some serious progress. Things that were unbearable to me before, I can now handle in my stride pretty easily. I am generally more positive and less depressed.
Happy 2020!
So when I say Happy New Year, I really mean it. I want to be Happy from now on onwards. And it took me awhile to get it, but happiness comes from within. You cannot look to someone or something to make you happy. It's about expectations, and it's about your reactions to situations that determines your happiness. The first phase of the past decade was really the foundational years that helped me build a base of knowledge and intellectual background. It was where I really honed the technical and design skills I have today. The second phase was confusing, but a very good teacher in hindsight. It taught me to be thankful for the luxuries and resources I had. It showed me that a better understanding of your self vs your work and how you can segregate, balance or integrate it to your discretion. I will definitely look to working on that when I get my next job. The third phase was arguably the toughest. It gave me hope, but then took away everything I had built up. I really really enjoyed my time in NTU, and the friendships I built along the way. Above all else, it really trained and helped me to improve on my 'human interactions' skills that I so lacked. Towards the end of the year was painful no doubt, but also helped build up my psychological resilience and maturity. For that at least, I'm thankful.
And I think that will be the theme for the coming year at least. Learning to be thankful for what I have, what I encounter, what I receive, and what I will achieve. Life is too short now to be an emo pessimistic cynical bitch. I mean, I need to get stuff done dammit. In the past, it was definitely the case that I had focused too much on studies and work that I had totally neglected mental health. I was always in the camp of: "aiya somehow I will get over it", and treated it as a trivial matter. But in reality we often overlook how important it is to manage our mood and overall wellbeing. While I was away, I've had the time to read plenty of self-help books on the matter. Most agree that it is important to regularly take stock of your blessings and what makes you happy, so as to maximize your happiness. To that end, I will be starting a new blog to replace this one. I haven't thought about the name of it yet, but it will definitely be more positive that this one. I mean, "Incomplete Perfexion" how did I even come up with that. The follies of youth. Hahaha. But yeah, the new blog will be mainly focusing on 2 aspects that I want to work on. One is the happiness log, to teach me to be more thankful for what I have, to notice the good stuff, and to stop being a sourpuss. Two is for regular action plans, so that I commit and be accountable to execute what I say I want to do. I've had moderate success in the past with these "Action Plans" on this blog before, but it got kind of lost in the other messy emo stuff I was going through. So, I want to give it another shot.
I will post the link to my new blog here once it's up. Do follow me there!
[EDIT] Here it is! https://journeyofjubilation.blogspot.com/
THAT'S ABOUT IT! This blog post is way longer that I wanted, and that Phase 3 had more rants and mess than I would have liked, but the gist is there. If you know me in person, then you can clearly tell the difference in my articulation between when I try to talk and when I am writing. It's a world of difference. I am constantly working on being more expressive in person. ANYWAY, I would also like to take this opportunity to wish anyone reading this a very happy new year and successful decade ahead. I want to say that we are all in this journey called life together, and there should be no reason why we cannot make the most out of it. Let's do our best from here on out. Happy 2020!
Tuesday, 1 January 2019
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2019
This is the obligatory new year post that I do every year. Not that I think of it as just a chore. In fact, I do think that it is a good time to look back and review how much I've progressed, and to plan ahead to what I look to achieve in the coming 364 days. As cliche as it sounds, "new year, new me" allows for constant change and something to look forward to. I think it is rather important. After all, so much has happened in the past year that brought me to where I am today. So, let's learn from the past and progress into the future! In order to write this post, I actually had to look back at last year's post to see what I wrote back then. It was so long ago... Looking back at it, somehow reading it makes me feel like I was so childish back then. Was I really like that? I guess that has some bearing on how much I've changed and developed in just 1 year alone. Everything seemed so disorganized back then. And they still are today, but I have a general sense of where I am heading. So without further ado, let's do a quick review of 2018 first.
I can see that I broke up my 2018 goals into 3 main categories, which makes it easier to review. In fact, I still think it is a good idea and I will probably come up with another 3 goals for this year. Okay, so first category from 2018 was Career. Well, in short all I can say that it was a complete flop. 3 out of 10, failure. Let's elaborate. On the job hunting side, I was eventually rejected by Rakuten Japan after the interview. But to be honest, they were looking for your standard slave worker programmer, of which I am not. I made it clear to them that I am more of a front-end developer, designer, and project manager. Just wasn't the right fit. I did apply again this year just for kicks, but not planning to take it too seriously. I updated my CV to clearly state my inclinations. I also started experimenting here and there with trading cryptocurrencies as a side profit making strategy. Things didn't do too well as the whole market basically tanked. Margin day-trading was also a disaster, as I went from breakeven to making big losses. I did learn a lot in the process, and I currently have 6 bots that are trading and maintaining my funds 24/7 so I guess that's kind of cool?
As for the ongoing trials and tribulations that I am facing... Honestly, it is STILL NOT OVER! I am slightly pissed at this point. To the extent that I don't care what the outcome is, I just want it to finish. It's been dragging on me since mid 2017, not allowing me to progress in my career and basically being stuck in limbo. But it's close, an I do expect to be done by Q2 of 2019. Fingers crossed for a good outcome. A major milestone for me, was when I graduated from my Master's course with a 4.6/5 GPA. Also managed to get a decent testimonial from prof and a certificate of excellence which I think was pretty awesome. But yeah, other than that, I am somehow progressing with my Japanese language. I cleared N3 in 2018 and I am now working towards my N2 if I get the chance. Because the mid year JLPT test might clash with my Q2 date of that other thing. I might have to push it to the Dec test. We'll see. At first I wanted to give myself a 3 out of 10, but reading all of that again, I think I do deserve a 4 out of 10. I did what I could given the circumstances.
In terms of the second goal of Fitness, I will say that it is a mixed bag. Probably a 5 out of 10 at best. Not completely fail, but did not hit target as intended. Looking back, the goal was to slim down and cut down to 80kgs. I'll just honestly say that I did not hit that goal lah. In fact, I actually put on some weight and went from 88kgs to 90kgs. But let me elaborate. The thing is, I never actually ended up focusing on cutting, and ended up bulking instead. I have gained considerable strength and muscle mass in 2018, and I can now bench 200lbs which is officially heavier than myself. Being able to push more than your own body weight feels amazing man. But yeah, aside from the daily 16/8 intermittent fasting, which seems to have no more further fat burning effects at this point, I am a lot less active now that I have no school. Also stopped drinking the blended juice regularly, but in exchange I switched my daily lunch to a healthy ham and lettuce sandwich instead. All in all, let's just say that fitness had not been the forefront of my attention in the past year. And as a result, I wasn't able to seriously hit my targets, but managed to maintain more or less.
The third goal I had for 2018 was Maturity. In this aspect, I can strongly say that I have made much strides in this regard. Who knew the last one of my goals turned out to be the most impactful after all? Let me explain. As I spoke briefly about in my post on "Depression", I have been seeing a psychiatrist for treatment. But other than that, it's also about talking with close friends, and really just trying to understand myself and the people around me that I care about. It's hard to quantify or put into words, but I do feel like I am more aware now. I know myself a lot better, I know my strengths and weaknesses, I know what I need to work on, and I know where I am headed. That's more than enough for a good start. Probably an 8 out of 10 if I were to score it. But certainly, the journey is not over. There is plenty more ways in terms of maturity of thought that I can improve on. I capped off the year nicely by finally taking that Myers Briggs test, and truly learnt a lot about myself being an INTJ. Honestly, being currently held in this limbo and staying at home all the time is not helping. But as I said, this whole ordeal will likely be over by Q2 of this year. Once that is over, I can work towards my next stage, which as you guessed it, is Japan!
So that's my 2018 in a short review! Here's the summary. Basically, career wise there has not been too much progress due to the ongoing issues that I'm facing, but I did my best filling out the time with whatever learning and development I could. Fitness wise, I was expecting to kickstart the weight loss at the end of that long drawn ordeal, but it ain't over yet. So, I continue to put on strength to see how much muscle I can build and maintain. In terms of maturity, I made great strides by coming forward and facing my weaknesses. By doing things I normally would never had done in the past. And I continued to improve and learn more about myself and the people around me. So that's 2018 in review! I tried to keep this post shorter and save my so called new year resolutions for the new post, so stay tuned!
I can see that I broke up my 2018 goals into 3 main categories, which makes it easier to review. In fact, I still think it is a good idea and I will probably come up with another 3 goals for this year. Okay, so first category from 2018 was Career. Well, in short all I can say that it was a complete flop. 3 out of 10, failure. Let's elaborate. On the job hunting side, I was eventually rejected by Rakuten Japan after the interview. But to be honest, they were looking for your standard slave worker programmer, of which I am not. I made it clear to them that I am more of a front-end developer, designer, and project manager. Just wasn't the right fit. I did apply again this year just for kicks, but not planning to take it too seriously. I updated my CV to clearly state my inclinations. I also started experimenting here and there with trading cryptocurrencies as a side profit making strategy. Things didn't do too well as the whole market basically tanked. Margin day-trading was also a disaster, as I went from breakeven to making big losses. I did learn a lot in the process, and I currently have 6 bots that are trading and maintaining my funds 24/7 so I guess that's kind of cool?
As for the ongoing trials and tribulations that I am facing... Honestly, it is STILL NOT OVER! I am slightly pissed at this point. To the extent that I don't care what the outcome is, I just want it to finish. It's been dragging on me since mid 2017, not allowing me to progress in my career and basically being stuck in limbo. But it's close, an I do expect to be done by Q2 of 2019. Fingers crossed for a good outcome. A major milestone for me, was when I graduated from my Master's course with a 4.6/5 GPA. Also managed to get a decent testimonial from prof and a certificate of excellence which I think was pretty awesome. But yeah, other than that, I am somehow progressing with my Japanese language. I cleared N3 in 2018 and I am now working towards my N2 if I get the chance. Because the mid year JLPT test might clash with my Q2 date of that other thing. I might have to push it to the Dec test. We'll see. At first I wanted to give myself a 3 out of 10, but reading all of that again, I think I do deserve a 4 out of 10. I did what I could given the circumstances.
In terms of the second goal of Fitness, I will say that it is a mixed bag. Probably a 5 out of 10 at best. Not completely fail, but did not hit target as intended. Looking back, the goal was to slim down and cut down to 80kgs. I'll just honestly say that I did not hit that goal lah. In fact, I actually put on some weight and went from 88kgs to 90kgs. But let me elaborate. The thing is, I never actually ended up focusing on cutting, and ended up bulking instead. I have gained considerable strength and muscle mass in 2018, and I can now bench 200lbs which is officially heavier than myself. Being able to push more than your own body weight feels amazing man. But yeah, aside from the daily 16/8 intermittent fasting, which seems to have no more further fat burning effects at this point, I am a lot less active now that I have no school. Also stopped drinking the blended juice regularly, but in exchange I switched my daily lunch to a healthy ham and lettuce sandwich instead. All in all, let's just say that fitness had not been the forefront of my attention in the past year. And as a result, I wasn't able to seriously hit my targets, but managed to maintain more or less.
The third goal I had for 2018 was Maturity. In this aspect, I can strongly say that I have made much strides in this regard. Who knew the last one of my goals turned out to be the most impactful after all? Let me explain. As I spoke briefly about in my post on "Depression", I have been seeing a psychiatrist for treatment. But other than that, it's also about talking with close friends, and really just trying to understand myself and the people around me that I care about. It's hard to quantify or put into words, but I do feel like I am more aware now. I know myself a lot better, I know my strengths and weaknesses, I know what I need to work on, and I know where I am headed. That's more than enough for a good start. Probably an 8 out of 10 if I were to score it. But certainly, the journey is not over. There is plenty more ways in terms of maturity of thought that I can improve on. I capped off the year nicely by finally taking that Myers Briggs test, and truly learnt a lot about myself being an INTJ. Honestly, being currently held in this limbo and staying at home all the time is not helping. But as I said, this whole ordeal will likely be over by Q2 of this year. Once that is over, I can work towards my next stage, which as you guessed it, is Japan!
So that's my 2018 in a short review! Here's the summary. Basically, career wise there has not been too much progress due to the ongoing issues that I'm facing, but I did my best filling out the time with whatever learning and development I could. Fitness wise, I was expecting to kickstart the weight loss at the end of that long drawn ordeal, but it ain't over yet. So, I continue to put on strength to see how much muscle I can build and maintain. In terms of maturity, I made great strides by coming forward and facing my weaknesses. By doing things I normally would never had done in the past. And I continued to improve and learn more about myself and the people around me. So that's 2018 in review! I tried to keep this post shorter and save my so called new year resolutions for the new post, so stay tuned!
2018 had been a long rough year. let's progress further in 2019!
Monday, 1 October 2018
Depression
So what have I been up to lately?
I was asked that quite a number of times when I went to meet up with my NTU gang. Honestly, the reason I didn't answer was because I didn't know how to answer. So this is my long and roundabout way of trying to come up with an answer. The short TLDR answer is basically "nothing much". But of course, as with anything, there is a lot more to it than what it seems like on the surface.
Haven't blogged in many months, so I went to reread my previous post before posting this. I know it would seem that things were looking bright in my previous post. It seemed like I had really found the answer. That things had really started to click for me. And in some ways it did! I felt a lot stronger, and was able to power through that last semester of school. Hey, I even finished strong in the top 10% of the cohort. I think I did well, my situation and all things considered.
So then why the sudden return of depression and negativity? Somehow I feel like I was born to suffer in constant misery and pain. Things have not been going smoothly for me in a very very long time. I had an awesome childhood, I think. But nothing has even gone right from teenage years onwards. I guess it's the problem of being both a big dreamer AND a perfectionist at the same time. It's a bad combo. I will often dream up these lavish and extravagant futures and feel like I am incomplete and unable to reach such goals. People who have worked with me in recent projects will have experienced this firsthand. Yes I can be very demanding in terms of quality standards, but know that I am even more demanding and harsh towards myself.
And that's perhaps the source of my eternal depression and negativity. I always strive for perfection, and I constantly beat myself up over not being able to achieve it, rinse and repeat. Things are looking even more dire lately as I struggle towards the end of my long running "situation" that I got involved in. Not much I can share about the "situation" except that it's bad. Very bad. Something that for most people could potentially be career ending or life ending. For me though, it is uncertain. I mean, it's still gonna scar me fucking deep mentally and emotionally for life. But because I plan to leave the country anyway, it's not THAT bad even if I fuck up every possible opportunity and prospect that I will ever have in Singapore. I fucking hate this place already.
But it doesn't change the "situation". And the fact right now is that, I AM STUCK. I cannot do anything until this resolves completely, I can't get a permanent job, I can't make plans, I can't even see what my future will be like 3 to 6 months from now, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING! And that's why my answer to you all is that I am doing nothing much lately. Because I can do nothing much. The wiser of you that are able to read between the lines of my recent blog posts will already know what I've been involved in. So far I've only told 1 friend about it. But the fact of the matter is that it sucks man. Not being able to have the control and freedom to plan and work towards my goals sucks for someone like me. And that only serves to further aggravate my depression.
I have been seeking help lately. In the past couple of months, I have been seeing a psychiatrist for treatment regarding my issues. But honestly he can only do so much. There are multiple different sides within me that it is like some warring states going on in there. When I do talk to my psychiatrist, the logical and calm side can come out and portray some level of confidence. My I myself know that I am still in a mess. And the longer this "situation" drags on, the worse it is going to get. To the point that I just want to get it over and done with. Win or lose, good or bad outcome I almost don't care anymore. I JUST WANT IT TO END GODDAMMIT! Let me free already. Stop eating away at my life. I'm not growing any younger, and I have yet to achieve anything substantial. I am just a ball of nothing right now. Caught in limbo, floating in space. Lost.
Which is why I have returned to binge gaming. To escape from it all. To have a distraction. To not think so much about other things. To have something to kill my time. Recently, I have been playing a lot of Maplestory M. I'm on the Asia2 - Zenith server. Add me, lol. So yeah, that's my current status. Not doing much, can't do much. The only so called "work" I am doing is basically just tune my crypto trading bots from time to time. And perhaps also contemplating creating my own website. I've been dwelling on the idea for awhile now, but have been procrastinating and gaming too much to actually act on it. Sigh.
Anyway, I didn't mean to come here and complain about how pathetic my life is right now. But honestly speaking, depression is no joke man. And I encourage anyone who is facing it find someone to talk to. As someone who experiences it firsthand, I know that I definitely want people to talk to. It may not solve all the problems, but it certainly makes things a bit less painful. Sometimes, we just need someone to share the heavy burden that we carry, and it's nice to know that someone would care. Right now what I need more than anything, is someone who understands me.
I was asked that quite a number of times when I went to meet up with my NTU gang. Honestly, the reason I didn't answer was because I didn't know how to answer. So this is my long and roundabout way of trying to come up with an answer. The short TLDR answer is basically "nothing much". But of course, as with anything, there is a lot more to it than what it seems like on the surface.
Haven't blogged in many months, so I went to reread my previous post before posting this. I know it would seem that things were looking bright in my previous post. It seemed like I had really found the answer. That things had really started to click for me. And in some ways it did! I felt a lot stronger, and was able to power through that last semester of school. Hey, I even finished strong in the top 10% of the cohort. I think I did well, my situation and all things considered.
So then why the sudden return of depression and negativity? Somehow I feel like I was born to suffer in constant misery and pain. Things have not been going smoothly for me in a very very long time. I had an awesome childhood, I think. But nothing has even gone right from teenage years onwards. I guess it's the problem of being both a big dreamer AND a perfectionist at the same time. It's a bad combo. I will often dream up these lavish and extravagant futures and feel like I am incomplete and unable to reach such goals. People who have worked with me in recent projects will have experienced this firsthand. Yes I can be very demanding in terms of quality standards, but know that I am even more demanding and harsh towards myself.
And that's perhaps the source of my eternal depression and negativity. I always strive for perfection, and I constantly beat myself up over not being able to achieve it, rinse and repeat. Things are looking even more dire lately as I struggle towards the end of my long running "situation" that I got involved in. Not much I can share about the "situation" except that it's bad. Very bad. Something that for most people could potentially be career ending or life ending. For me though, it is uncertain. I mean, it's still gonna scar me fucking deep mentally and emotionally for life. But because I plan to leave the country anyway, it's not THAT bad even if I fuck up every possible opportunity and prospect that I will ever have in Singapore. I fucking hate this place already.
But it doesn't change the "situation". And the fact right now is that, I AM STUCK. I cannot do anything until this resolves completely, I can't get a permanent job, I can't make plans, I can't even see what my future will be like 3 to 6 months from now, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING! And that's why my answer to you all is that I am doing nothing much lately. Because I can do nothing much. The wiser of you that are able to read between the lines of my recent blog posts will already know what I've been involved in. So far I've only told 1 friend about it. But the fact of the matter is that it sucks man. Not being able to have the control and freedom to plan and work towards my goals sucks for someone like me. And that only serves to further aggravate my depression.
I have been seeking help lately. In the past couple of months, I have been seeing a psychiatrist for treatment regarding my issues. But honestly he can only do so much. There are multiple different sides within me that it is like some warring states going on in there. When I do talk to my psychiatrist, the logical and calm side can come out and portray some level of confidence. My I myself know that I am still in a mess. And the longer this "situation" drags on, the worse it is going to get. To the point that I just want to get it over and done with. Win or lose, good or bad outcome I almost don't care anymore. I JUST WANT IT TO END GODDAMMIT! Let me free already. Stop eating away at my life. I'm not growing any younger, and I have yet to achieve anything substantial. I am just a ball of nothing right now. Caught in limbo, floating in space. Lost.
Which is why I have returned to binge gaming. To escape from it all. To have a distraction. To not think so much about other things. To have something to kill my time. Recently, I have been playing a lot of Maplestory M. I'm on the Asia2 - Zenith server. Add me, lol. So yeah, that's my current status. Not doing much, can't do much. The only so called "work" I am doing is basically just tune my crypto trading bots from time to time. And perhaps also contemplating creating my own website. I've been dwelling on the idea for awhile now, but have been procrastinating and gaming too much to actually act on it. Sigh.
Anyway, I didn't mean to come here and complain about how pathetic my life is right now. But honestly speaking, depression is no joke man. And I encourage anyone who is facing it find someone to talk to. As someone who experiences it firsthand, I know that I definitely want people to talk to. It may not solve all the problems, but it certainly makes things a bit less painful. Sometimes, we just need someone to share the heavy burden that we carry, and it's nice to know that someone would care. Right now what I need more than anything, is someone who understands me.
oh yeah, and I've been watching loads of anime to kill time too...
Friday, 16 March 2018
Mindset Change
Hey guys! I'm back again!
I haven't been blogging for quite awhile now, and that can only be a good sign! When I turn to this blog too excessively, it's always a sign of my negative emotions and mental breakdown. So, the less I blog here the better! But today I just want to share what's been going on with me lately, seeing as my previous post was so dark and gloomy. So here's a positive one for a change!
Yes, you heard it right! I'm adopting a positive mental attitude for this one, what a shock.
Anyway, the main things that had happened to me since CNY was basically meeting up with my old secondary school friend, and then being forced to go back for ICT reservist training right in the middle of school term. Turns out, both of these events were super helpful in helping me turn my life around, and viewing everything in a different light. Let me explain how.
Firstly, I think I ought to explain briefly the problem or situation I was in. Basically, I was stuck in an emotional rut, where I no longer even believed in myself. I lost the will to live, to fight, and to continue chasing any life goals. It was like close to end of the road for me. When even you yourself give up on yourself, you are fucking screwed you know. But then, I met up with my old time friend, who doubles as my unofficial therapist in these sort of situations. He's doing great, and strongly and passionately believes in what he is doing. The direct opposite of how I felt back then. Well, the only similarity is that we are both single. Haha, that's besides the point.
So after having a long whole day chat with my old friend, spanning from lunch to dinner, Long story short is that I started feeling better. Not only does he inspire me with what he is doing and believes in doing, but he sort of opened my eyes to my own capabilities. Basically, I am really not doing so bad, in some sense, you could say I'm fucking awesome. How many people can do the things I can do? How many people can think and analyze on the level that I do? We are like minded in the sense that we overthink things, which also means that we have the capability for such deep thoughts. And it takes one to know one. I truly needed his help to stop me from thinking so much negative thoughts and spiralling into despair. Luckily he did manage to do it.
So that's one part of the problem solved: stop killing yourself. The next part was slightly more complicated. I needed to go from not killing myself, to actually believing I had what it took to fight again, to go and achieve what I want to do, to chase for my happiness again. Simple as it sounds, it was a monumental dilemma for me. I was really missing this part of the puzzle for the longest period of time, hence the name of this blog which came from Incomplete Perfection. Always that 1 ingredient short. In my mind, there was really only 2 possible solutions to this. First, is for me to become a super independent and confident alpha male and just fight regardless of everything. Second, is for someone important to come into my life to help fill the gaping hole. Someone who could believe in me and support me even when nobody did, even when I wanted to give up.
Something like what Rem does in episode 18 of Re:Zero that I watched recently.
And honestly, for the longest time I was so fixated on the second option that I didn't believe I had the ability to do the first option anymore. I gave up on myself, did nothing, and hoped and prayed for someone to come into my life, someone to be my moral support and put me back on track. But I now know that such an option is just wishful thinking. In fact, a lot of times, you kind of need to have shown or demonstrated your ability to do option one, before option two even becomes available. I suppose in a comical way, you can think of it like some unlockable game content. You cannot unlock stage 2 without first doing stage 1. Makes sense right?
About the reservist training, it's a pretty long story. Basically, it came to me when I was in a pretty negative state of mind, and I was super adamant on NOT going for it no matter what. I mean, I was just super pissed that it had to happen in the middle of my school term, even if the 2nd week was a recess week. So, I was prepared to try all means possible to get deferred. I went so far as to appeal to the MP of my GRC, and I was prepared to take MC multiple times or AWOL. But alas, they let me book in 1 day late, and gave me off for Wed lesson, so I really missed none of my lessons. To be honest, I was still slightly sour, so I decided to exercise my rights to endorse my medical condition. This is where things get slightly more complicated.
Day 1, I went to the medical officer and he gave me some minor statuses, which excused me from carrying heavy loads and stuff. Not enough to excuse me from the outfield training the next week. Day 2, after a night of thinking about it, I went on my own to "clarify" on my statuses, and came back with the "Excused Outfield" status. The MO even asked me to sign a form to get down PES. lol. But I REALLY want to clear the air here. As much as this situation seems like a "kheng" to escape training, I REALLY do have a medical condition. I mean, there is no bluffing, I went through all the respective MRI + XRAY + Blood tests already. And it is a FACT, that I experience back pains every morning. Could I still force it and go through the outfield training? Sure. But should I risk it? Probably not. I do believe that the pains happened after sleeping on the cold concrete floor during last year's training. Basically, I am growing old and probably have rheumatism is the short story. Still waiting for the follow up appointment on that.
But what's the big deal right? Just excuse training only mah. That's what I thought, but apparently other people think differently. I can't tell for sure, but if my ever so sensitive perception of people is right, I think everyone in the platoon hates me for it. From the commanders down to all the combat fit men. The resentment shown is apparent. Again, I let this get to me. For a couple of days, I was stressing out about this. Those who were once close friends and buddies, started growing more distant, colder. Even people who I have clearly helped in the past were not cutting me any slack. I guess, I missed the camaraderie and friendship that we shared. I just didn't expect them to cut me off so abruptly just because I skipped 1 outfield training, even thought it was the last outfield we will ever get. Eh come on lah, I really do have a medical condition what...
That situation sort of put me at a crossroad. Do I retreat? And retract back into the depths of despair, to doubt myself again and ask why I am such a horrible person? Or do I press forwards, fuck care all of them, and strike it out on my own? If you haven't been able to tell by this post thus far, I chose the latter option, which kind of coincides with option one that I listed above. Convenient right? But more importantly, I had an epiphany. I realized the missing piece to solve the dilemma I had been facing. It really wasn't just option 1 or option 2. It required a holistic approach to enable option 1 so that I can achieve option 2! Crazy mind-fuck right? Sorry to get all meta psychology on you. But it is true!
So the secret is this one word: image.
I want to further develop the idea, and elaborate on what I mean, but it is getting kind of late, and this blog post has gone waaaay out of proportion. Too long liao, I shall elaborate on this point in a separate post. The gist of it though, is that I need to build and maintain a solid image. One that inspires confidence, capability, and success. Only then can I have that reflect and have the self-confidence to go out and achieve everything that I want. It's way more nuanced than that, but really I cannot fit anymore into this post, I'm tired. So stay tuned! Look out for my next blog post, detailing the secrets I have discovered during this short period that turned my whole mindset around.
Until then, stay positive and live strong! :)
I haven't been blogging for quite awhile now, and that can only be a good sign! When I turn to this blog too excessively, it's always a sign of my negative emotions and mental breakdown. So, the less I blog here the better! But today I just want to share what's been going on with me lately, seeing as my previous post was so dark and gloomy. So here's a positive one for a change!
Yes, you heard it right! I'm adopting a positive mental attitude for this one, what a shock.
Anyway, the main things that had happened to me since CNY was basically meeting up with my old secondary school friend, and then being forced to go back for ICT reservist training right in the middle of school term. Turns out, both of these events were super helpful in helping me turn my life around, and viewing everything in a different light. Let me explain how.
Firstly, I think I ought to explain briefly the problem or situation I was in. Basically, I was stuck in an emotional rut, where I no longer even believed in myself. I lost the will to live, to fight, and to continue chasing any life goals. It was like close to end of the road for me. When even you yourself give up on yourself, you are fucking screwed you know. But then, I met up with my old time friend, who doubles as my unofficial therapist in these sort of situations. He's doing great, and strongly and passionately believes in what he is doing. The direct opposite of how I felt back then. Well, the only similarity is that we are both single. Haha, that's besides the point.
So after having a long whole day chat with my old friend, spanning from lunch to dinner, Long story short is that I started feeling better. Not only does he inspire me with what he is doing and believes in doing, but he sort of opened my eyes to my own capabilities. Basically, I am really not doing so bad, in some sense, you could say I'm fucking awesome. How many people can do the things I can do? How many people can think and analyze on the level that I do? We are like minded in the sense that we overthink things, which also means that we have the capability for such deep thoughts. And it takes one to know one. I truly needed his help to stop me from thinking so much negative thoughts and spiralling into despair. Luckily he did manage to do it.
So that's one part of the problem solved: stop killing yourself. The next part was slightly more complicated. I needed to go from not killing myself, to actually believing I had what it took to fight again, to go and achieve what I want to do, to chase for my happiness again. Simple as it sounds, it was a monumental dilemma for me. I was really missing this part of the puzzle for the longest period of time, hence the name of this blog which came from Incomplete Perfection. Always that 1 ingredient short. In my mind, there was really only 2 possible solutions to this. First, is for me to become a super independent and confident alpha male and just fight regardless of everything. Second, is for someone important to come into my life to help fill the gaping hole. Someone who could believe in me and support me even when nobody did, even when I wanted to give up.
Something like what Rem does in episode 18 of Re:Zero that I watched recently.
this remixed music video just makes the scene even better.
And honestly, for the longest time I was so fixated on the second option that I didn't believe I had the ability to do the first option anymore. I gave up on myself, did nothing, and hoped and prayed for someone to come into my life, someone to be my moral support and put me back on track. But I now know that such an option is just wishful thinking. In fact, a lot of times, you kind of need to have shown or demonstrated your ability to do option one, before option two even becomes available. I suppose in a comical way, you can think of it like some unlockable game content. You cannot unlock stage 2 without first doing stage 1. Makes sense right?
About the reservist training, it's a pretty long story. Basically, it came to me when I was in a pretty negative state of mind, and I was super adamant on NOT going for it no matter what. I mean, I was just super pissed that it had to happen in the middle of my school term, even if the 2nd week was a recess week. So, I was prepared to try all means possible to get deferred. I went so far as to appeal to the MP of my GRC, and I was prepared to take MC multiple times or AWOL. But alas, they let me book in 1 day late, and gave me off for Wed lesson, so I really missed none of my lessons. To be honest, I was still slightly sour, so I decided to exercise my rights to endorse my medical condition. This is where things get slightly more complicated.
Day 1, I went to the medical officer and he gave me some minor statuses, which excused me from carrying heavy loads and stuff. Not enough to excuse me from the outfield training the next week. Day 2, after a night of thinking about it, I went on my own to "clarify" on my statuses, and came back with the "Excused Outfield" status. The MO even asked me to sign a form to get down PES. lol. But I REALLY want to clear the air here. As much as this situation seems like a "kheng" to escape training, I REALLY do have a medical condition. I mean, there is no bluffing, I went through all the respective MRI + XRAY + Blood tests already. And it is a FACT, that I experience back pains every morning. Could I still force it and go through the outfield training? Sure. But should I risk it? Probably not. I do believe that the pains happened after sleeping on the cold concrete floor during last year's training. Basically, I am growing old and probably have rheumatism is the short story. Still waiting for the follow up appointment on that.
But what's the big deal right? Just excuse training only mah. That's what I thought, but apparently other people think differently. I can't tell for sure, but if my ever so sensitive perception of people is right, I think everyone in the platoon hates me for it. From the commanders down to all the combat fit men. The resentment shown is apparent. Again, I let this get to me. For a couple of days, I was stressing out about this. Those who were once close friends and buddies, started growing more distant, colder. Even people who I have clearly helped in the past were not cutting me any slack. I guess, I missed the camaraderie and friendship that we shared. I just didn't expect them to cut me off so abruptly just because I skipped 1 outfield training, even thought it was the last outfield we will ever get. Eh come on lah, I really do have a medical condition what...
That situation sort of put me at a crossroad. Do I retreat? And retract back into the depths of despair, to doubt myself again and ask why I am such a horrible person? Or do I press forwards, fuck care all of them, and strike it out on my own? If you haven't been able to tell by this post thus far, I chose the latter option, which kind of coincides with option one that I listed above. Convenient right? But more importantly, I had an epiphany. I realized the missing piece to solve the dilemma I had been facing. It really wasn't just option 1 or option 2. It required a holistic approach to enable option 1 so that I can achieve option 2! Crazy mind-fuck right? Sorry to get all meta psychology on you. But it is true!
So the secret is this one word: image.
I want to further develop the idea, and elaborate on what I mean, but it is getting kind of late, and this blog post has gone waaaay out of proportion. Too long liao, I shall elaborate on this point in a separate post. The gist of it though, is that I need to build and maintain a solid image. One that inspires confidence, capability, and success. Only then can I have that reflect and have the self-confidence to go out and achieve everything that I want. It's way more nuanced than that, but really I cannot fit anymore into this post, I'm tired. So stay tuned! Look out for my next blog post, detailing the secrets I have discovered during this short period that turned my whole mindset around.
Until then, stay positive and live strong! :)
Saturday, 17 February 2018
Happy CNY?
Hello everyone. Happy Chinese New Year. Hope you ar having a good one.
Personally, I don't know how to feel about my day today. Everything went by just so quickly. Wake up in the morning, then head down to my uncle's house. Do some quick Yu Sheng thingy, exchange a few words here and there, and by 5pm we left. Things are just getting so quiet lately. Not even the full extended family showed up. Such a stark contrast to about 10 years ago, when things were still very lively and happening.
I don't know why, perhaps it is a factor of age, and we are all just victims of time. Gradually the older generations fade away, and the young ones are not there to replace them. For my family at least. For a long time, I had 3 grandparents. Then paternal grandma passed away. Next was maternal grandma, after which we no longer visited my mother's side. Then my paternal grandpa, leaving behind just a bachelor uncles. Only my dad and his sisters are married. Then finally this year, one of my uncles passed. The family tree is literally fading before my eyes.
Perhaps I feel extra pressure being the only grandson carrying the family name? But I am kind of numb by now. It's a burden I have lived with for years now. And the way things look, it is likely that I would follow my uncles' fates rather than my father's. Unfortunately. But that's not even the thing. I am just rather upset that some of our family don't even bother to show up anymore. Call me old fashion, but I really miss the old days, when we had big gatherings, and stayed till really late at night. I used to think those were a waste of time, but oh how I miss them so now. It's like the life has been sucked out of the family.
You know, I hesitated about making this post. After all, it's supposed to be a HAPPY new year right? But for me it isn't. It really isn't! I'm near to tears on the inside. I know I have been posting more and more emo posts in the recent weeks, I just can't help it. I'm beginning to be convinced that I really have a mental illness. I am seriously starting to consider looking for a psychiatrist for help. I think a part of me is broken, and it needs some deeper level of fixing that I am not capable of finding on my own. I just don't have the time right now. So maybe after graduation or something.
Yeah, that's all for today. Happy CNY!
Personally, I don't know how to feel about my day today. Everything went by just so quickly. Wake up in the morning, then head down to my uncle's house. Do some quick Yu Sheng thingy, exchange a few words here and there, and by 5pm we left. Things are just getting so quiet lately. Not even the full extended family showed up. Such a stark contrast to about 10 years ago, when things were still very lively and happening.
I don't know why, perhaps it is a factor of age, and we are all just victims of time. Gradually the older generations fade away, and the young ones are not there to replace them. For my family at least. For a long time, I had 3 grandparents. Then paternal grandma passed away. Next was maternal grandma, after which we no longer visited my mother's side. Then my paternal grandpa, leaving behind just a bachelor uncles. Only my dad and his sisters are married. Then finally this year, one of my uncles passed. The family tree is literally fading before my eyes.
Perhaps I feel extra pressure being the only grandson carrying the family name? But I am kind of numb by now. It's a burden I have lived with for years now. And the way things look, it is likely that I would follow my uncles' fates rather than my father's. Unfortunately. But that's not even the thing. I am just rather upset that some of our family don't even bother to show up anymore. Call me old fashion, but I really miss the old days, when we had big gatherings, and stayed till really late at night. I used to think those were a waste of time, but oh how I miss them so now. It's like the life has been sucked out of the family.
You know, I hesitated about making this post. After all, it's supposed to be a HAPPY new year right? But for me it isn't. It really isn't! I'm near to tears on the inside. I know I have been posting more and more emo posts in the recent weeks, I just can't help it. I'm beginning to be convinced that I really have a mental illness. I am seriously starting to consider looking for a psychiatrist for help. I think a part of me is broken, and it needs some deeper level of fixing that I am not capable of finding on my own. I just don't have the time right now. So maybe after graduation or something.
Yeah, that's all for today. Happy CNY!
Tuesday, 13 February 2018
All About Aesthetics
So I guess tomorrow is the day huh? Most depressing day in February. But I should be used to it by now. Anyway, I really wanted to talk about another topic that's been on my mind lately. That is the fact of how much I am of a bimbo on the inside! Haha! To me it's all about the aesthetics. Everything must look nice and pleasing on the eye. Doesn't have to be perfect, doesn't even need to function well, as long as it looks good and fits in well with everything. I'm not just talking about products, but also people, fashion, websites, apps, furniture, stationary, and really anything under the sun. If it looks good to me, I like it. Sounds shallow, I know, but let me justify.
Hmm... How do I describe it? I've been saying it for a super long time now. Good design aesthetics IS a feature. It's not so much form over function, but form IS a type of function. You see, good design aesthetics inspires confidence. It grants one a sense of comfort, satisfaction, and pleasure of using or interacting with something. The better something looks, the more intrinsically attractive it becomes. Nevermind if it doesn't function perfectly, as long as it does the basics, I will choose it over the uglier looking alternative any day. Perfect example are the high end stuff, like sports cars and branded luxury bags right? If asked to choose between a good practical SUV and a Lambo, with unlimited money I would pick the Aventador every time.
The reason why I want touch on the aspect of aesthetics, is that I kind of want to share my gym workout strategy here. What do you think the most aesthetic body parts are? For men, I would have to say it is Chest, Deltoids, Arms, and Lats. Many so-called surveys have been done, and the so-called V-taper body shape seems to come out top all the time. As such, this is always the focus of my workouts, to maximize ROI of my time spent. But so far, I think I have been over training my chest and not as much effort into the other 3. It's hard to squeeze everything into 1 workout like I do. But I really do not have time to train 1 body part per day. I only have the time to go gym 1 or 2 times a week max. No time for even my interval training. I want to caution here also, that you NEVER want to do any form of cardio before weights, as it hinders your gains. Research backed, trust me.
So what about women? Well, here is where it gets slightly controversial. I do not self-proclaim to be a connoisseur, but I do have strong opinions and tastes in the aesthetics of the female body. Hopefully that doesn't sound too creepy, haha. Anyway, I think most gym enthusiasts would focus on the lower body of ladies, and put Gluts right up there as the number 1 focus. While I don't completely disagree, I think it is more nuanced than that. There are a lot of other body parts we can focus on. For starters, I actually think it is quite similar to males. If I were to recommend, I will say focus on Deltoids, Lats, Chest, and do Gluts as an accessory workout. Here's why. Many would agree, that the so-called hourglass figure is the holy grail of the female body. And if you really take notice, a lot of women have the problem of the pear-shaped body. So how do we fix this? It's obvious right? We work on the upper body! Why has nobody thought of that?
The reason why I thought about this, was that surprisingly my sister joined me for 2 or 3 gym sessions during the december holidays. Very rare of her. But naturally, she gave up again after that. And she is still really obese. Well, I tried to help. So back to the topic, I think women really want to focus on their lateral Deltoids, to make the illusion of slightly wider shoulders to balance out with their hips. But I'd say avoid training other parts of your arms too much, coz guys don't find that too attractive. Then to add on to that, you want to train your Lats (back) as well, to add more meat to the upper part of your frame and get some width. again this will balance your lower body, hence creating the hourglass. And of course, Chest and Gluts for obvious reasons. What I will say though, is that in my opinion, ladies should try best to stay away from training legs. While you THINK that it so-called tones your legs, I think that it just makes your thighs look thicker. Which is not aesthetic in my opinion. Oh yeah, and fuck cardio. That shit is no good for you and burns fats in all the wrong places. Do some HIIT interval training if you must, but the weights training should be more than intensive enough.
What you want it some unnatural looking or drastic looking proportions, to set you out from the other regular people. That's kind of the reason why some people use steroids, but that's another matter. If possible, you want slim looking legs but well formed Gluts. Sounds contradictory, but I honestly think it's possible with some of the more advanced gym machines today. Find those exercises that only focus on isolation of a particular muscle group, and just keep on using that. I'd recommend to refrain from doing too many squats or other leg related exercises if you want to avoid the pear syndrome. Additionally, you can throw in a little bit of corset training, but don't go overboard with it. I won't talk too much about that here, coz it falls closely into the realm of crazy territory, which will likely be covered in my other blog someday. But honestly, it's not a bad option. I have been seriously considering getting a waist trainer as well. Because I somehow just can't seem to slim down my waist area. It's tough.
Oh yes, I almost forgot 1 more thing related to aesthetics. For women it is slightly more troublesome because they have 1 more aspect to worry about, that is makeup. While it IS possible to go without makeup, I think that you wouldn't go very far in terms of aesthetics. However, I have really very little knowledge in this area, so I can't give much advice other than try to follow some China, Japan or Korea tutorials. They are seriously damn good at the craft. One thing I will say though, is that if you want to ignore it all and just focus on ONE thing, then focus on lashes. It is THE most important aspect I feel. Be it your mascara or false lashes or what not, it seems simple enough to apply and gives the maximum ROI. That and lipstick or lip gloss seems the easiest and least time consuming to do. The rest is really just simple grooming like haircut and brow trimming. But honestly, I think hairstyle for ladies is a whole lot easier to maintain than men. You won't believe how much effort it takes to style my fucking stubborn hair.
But yeah, so that's all I wanted to write about. The surprising thing, is that I THINK I might have inspired some of my classmates to go to the gym more often. Perhaps it was just my fanatic discipline that inspired them, or maybe not. But we all go to different gyms. I just wish that one day we could all get 1 workout done together, same gym at the same time. It should be fun. Just wishful thinking though. Anyway, I wish them all the best in their fitness efforts.
Hmm... How do I describe it? I've been saying it for a super long time now. Good design aesthetics IS a feature. It's not so much form over function, but form IS a type of function. You see, good design aesthetics inspires confidence. It grants one a sense of comfort, satisfaction, and pleasure of using or interacting with something. The better something looks, the more intrinsically attractive it becomes. Nevermind if it doesn't function perfectly, as long as it does the basics, I will choose it over the uglier looking alternative any day. Perfect example are the high end stuff, like sports cars and branded luxury bags right? If asked to choose between a good practical SUV and a Lambo, with unlimited money I would pick the Aventador every time.
The reason why I want touch on the aspect of aesthetics, is that I kind of want to share my gym workout strategy here. What do you think the most aesthetic body parts are? For men, I would have to say it is Chest, Deltoids, Arms, and Lats. Many so-called surveys have been done, and the so-called V-taper body shape seems to come out top all the time. As such, this is always the focus of my workouts, to maximize ROI of my time spent. But so far, I think I have been over training my chest and not as much effort into the other 3. It's hard to squeeze everything into 1 workout like I do. But I really do not have time to train 1 body part per day. I only have the time to go gym 1 or 2 times a week max. No time for even my interval training. I want to caution here also, that you NEVER want to do any form of cardio before weights, as it hinders your gains. Research backed, trust me.
So what about women? Well, here is where it gets slightly controversial. I do not self-proclaim to be a connoisseur, but I do have strong opinions and tastes in the aesthetics of the female body. Hopefully that doesn't sound too creepy, haha. Anyway, I think most gym enthusiasts would focus on the lower body of ladies, and put Gluts right up there as the number 1 focus. While I don't completely disagree, I think it is more nuanced than that. There are a lot of other body parts we can focus on. For starters, I actually think it is quite similar to males. If I were to recommend, I will say focus on Deltoids, Lats, Chest, and do Gluts as an accessory workout. Here's why. Many would agree, that the so-called hourglass figure is the holy grail of the female body. And if you really take notice, a lot of women have the problem of the pear-shaped body. So how do we fix this? It's obvious right? We work on the upper body! Why has nobody thought of that?
The reason why I thought about this, was that surprisingly my sister joined me for 2 or 3 gym sessions during the december holidays. Very rare of her. But naturally, she gave up again after that. And she is still really obese. Well, I tried to help. So back to the topic, I think women really want to focus on their lateral Deltoids, to make the illusion of slightly wider shoulders to balance out with their hips. But I'd say avoid training other parts of your arms too much, coz guys don't find that too attractive. Then to add on to that, you want to train your Lats (back) as well, to add more meat to the upper part of your frame and get some width. again this will balance your lower body, hence creating the hourglass. And of course, Chest and Gluts for obvious reasons. What I will say though, is that in my opinion, ladies should try best to stay away from training legs. While you THINK that it so-called tones your legs, I think that it just makes your thighs look thicker. Which is not aesthetic in my opinion. Oh yeah, and fuck cardio. That shit is no good for you and burns fats in all the wrong places. Do some HIIT interval training if you must, but the weights training should be more than intensive enough.
What you want it some unnatural looking or drastic looking proportions, to set you out from the other regular people. That's kind of the reason why some people use steroids, but that's another matter. If possible, you want slim looking legs but well formed Gluts. Sounds contradictory, but I honestly think it's possible with some of the more advanced gym machines today. Find those exercises that only focus on isolation of a particular muscle group, and just keep on using that. I'd recommend to refrain from doing too many squats or other leg related exercises if you want to avoid the pear syndrome. Additionally, you can throw in a little bit of corset training, but don't go overboard with it. I won't talk too much about that here, coz it falls closely into the realm of crazy territory, which will likely be covered in my other blog someday. But honestly, it's not a bad option. I have been seriously considering getting a waist trainer as well. Because I somehow just can't seem to slim down my waist area. It's tough.
Oh yes, I almost forgot 1 more thing related to aesthetics. For women it is slightly more troublesome because they have 1 more aspect to worry about, that is makeup. While it IS possible to go without makeup, I think that you wouldn't go very far in terms of aesthetics. However, I have really very little knowledge in this area, so I can't give much advice other than try to follow some China, Japan or Korea tutorials. They are seriously damn good at the craft. One thing I will say though, is that if you want to ignore it all and just focus on ONE thing, then focus on lashes. It is THE most important aspect I feel. Be it your mascara or false lashes or what not, it seems simple enough to apply and gives the maximum ROI. That and lipstick or lip gloss seems the easiest and least time consuming to do. The rest is really just simple grooming like haircut and brow trimming. But honestly, I think hairstyle for ladies is a whole lot easier to maintain than men. You won't believe how much effort it takes to style my fucking stubborn hair.
But yeah, so that's all I wanted to write about. The surprising thing, is that I THINK I might have inspired some of my classmates to go to the gym more often. Perhaps it was just my fanatic discipline that inspired them, or maybe not. But we all go to different gyms. I just wish that one day we could all get 1 workout done together, same gym at the same time. It should be fun. Just wishful thinking though. Anyway, I wish them all the best in their fitness efforts.
Been turning to Honoka for my daily dose of kawaii motivation. :P
