It's Almost Christmas!

Christmas is right around the corner, and my life is in a mess. 24 years old already, going 25 next year. What have I accomplished with my life? Study until University already. But what was the point of all this? What have I achieved all these years? Not many friends, no social life, no girlfriend, no first-class honours (dun even know if can get 2nd-upper), constantly rejected job applications. Total loser.

It's fine if I sacrificed my social life and actually achieved goals in life. That's a different matter. But now looking back, I just threw away everything for nought. WTF am I doing in life? I don't even know. Maybe I'm just another useless bugger. Tried too hard to be different, failed just as hard. If I could turn back the clock... Travel back in time... I would totally have done things differently. Firstly, I would punch myself in the face for taking the decisions that I did. For being stupid and clueless all the time. For just being an asshole.

How can I change my future? How can I seize the day? I don't even know. My thoughts, and mentality has already been moulded to this state. My reactions and choices, no matter how dumb, have become second nature. It's rather hard to effect a change internally without external stimulus. Which is why.... You (at least those close to me) will constantly hear me sighing. I just hate my life, and what I've become.

I could go on and on about it, but what would be the point? Nothing's gonna change. I just thought I should post an update today. I have retired this blog to random ad hoc updates. So I will only post stuff every now and then, but posts may be few and far between. I just don't have the time anymore. I constantly have so many things on my plate. So many decisions and planning to do, so many projects to work on. And when I'm not doing those things, I usually relax by gaming or watching YouTube. I would like to go out more though. But like I said, I go no friends to go out with. I'm just the awkward oddball. :/

Today, I was supposed to go out to meet my client to deliver on the final product, but they were not free. They want to reschedule to next week, but all my team members overseas. So how? Throw everything to me to settle ah? Cannot be right? What if I mess up stuff? What if I can't answer to them anything? lol. Anything could explode and fail at anytime. 3v1. Too many uncertainties to go in alone.

And I think that's my major problem. I wasn't brought up in a risk taking environment. I would really love to try to be more bold, more decisive, and take more risks. But the honest truth is, I have no idea how to! I always end up taking too much time to think and contemplate on the most strategic or effective course of actions. By then, the ship has already sailed.

That could be part of the reason why I suck at interviews. I can't come up with my answers spontaneously when I need them. It's not that I don't have the knowledge. It's that I can't express it on the fly. Perhaps for that reason, people also find me awkward and difficult to be around with. Maybe something about me is broken.

I don't really know what I can do at this point. But it's too early to have an emo breakdown. I can wait for the results release coming up. I'm sure that will enough to kill me off. I don't expect to do well at all. In fact, it could very well be the the end of my chances at second-upper honours. My only saving grace of this sad life. Will it be exterminated? We'll have to see...

In any case, I hope somebody somewhere could help me. It's like I'm screaming in silence. It hurts on the inside, but I have unfortunately developed the ability to hide emotions. I can't express my feelings as other people do. I'm broken.